Next week’s story:

Roy Irvin was found dead today, after a water heater leak in his basement led to a tragic case of carbon monoxide poisoning. Local police issued a statement saying, “There is no evidence of foul play. We believe the victim stabbed himself multiple times in the chest, arms, and back, then threw the knife across the basement in a state of delirium, wiping off his fingerprints first.” Mr. Irvin left no note, only leaving a cryptic voicemail to a relative, indicating the presence of armed assassins in his house threatening him and telling him to shut up about quality inspections. The voicemail was obviously referencing hallucinations brought on by his decreased mental state. The Boeing Company did not respond to a request for comments at the time of this report, although the CEO has since posted on X, formerly known on Twitter, saying “Another tragic loss, RIP Ray Irwin!! :'( sad day”