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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/AstroVienna on 2023-06-26 21:35:05+00:00.


I (17m) am the kid of divorced parents. I live with my mom, her husband Steve, and their daughter Molly (5). My dad lives halfway across the country, and is in no financial position to look after a kid which is why my mom has full custody. In spite of that, my dad and I are really close. We have daily video calls and send each other cards and presents on holidays and birthdays, and if it was feasible, I would totally rather live with him. That is all to say, I don’t need another “father figure” to take his place.

Anyway, the other day, Molly referred to Steve as “me and (my name)’s daddy” and I corrected her that he’s her daddy, not mine. Molly looked dismayed and asked me what I meant and said “does that mean you’re not my brother?!”. I explained to her that I have a different dad and that her dad is my mom’s husband, but that doesn’t mean he’s my dad. I reassured her that I’m still her brother and I love her and yadda yadda. Steve shot me a death glare and my mom just looked sad. Molly seemed to accept my answer and we carried on with what we were doing.

Later, my mom took me aside and told me she was sad that I hadn’t accepted Steve yet, and called me petty and cruel for “pushing your issues on a little kid”. She said that, like it or not, Steve is her husband so that makes him my “father figure” and that I “need to find room in your heart for both of your dads”. I told her that Steve is not, and never will be, my dad, and told her that “just because you hate my real dad doesn’t mean I have to throw him away like you did”. I was worried I would lose my temper even more than I already had, and left the situation to cool off.

In the time since, Molly has been asking me incessant questions about my dad and why my mom left him (she slept with her gym buddy but I’m not going to tell Molly that until she’s older, for now the story is that my mom just fell out of love with my dad). Steve has been avoiding me like the plague and being passive aggressive when we have to interact, and my mom has been been bugging me to apologize to him. She’s also been trying to find excuses for me to skip my video calls with my dad, but I’m not going to ever do that. Still, I’m worried I may have opened a can of worms I won’t be able to close. AITA?

  • @Cabrilo
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    41 year ago

    NTA. I think you are in the clear.

    You are a kid yourself. You are 17. When I was your age I would not have done anything different.

    One thing you can do for extra credit is talk to your step dad and mom. Tell them: listen, I know you don’t want me to add complex family issues in front my little sister. But I think if she is clear about all of this from young age, I think everything will be easier and better long term.

    Tell them that you do appreciate your step dad, and understand that he contributes financially and emotionally with your upbringing. (If he actually does) You are grateful for his role, but you still love your dad and it’s important to you to keep that distinction clear. Thank them for being understanding of that.

    At 17, it’s difficult to view world from perspective of others. But try to think about how your step dad and mom see the situation.

    Also remember: you don’t have to win an argument. That’s not the goal.

    The goal is to be happy with yourself long term. I often find that doing the right thing makes me feel good about myself. Even if that means I walk away from a fight, argument or spend extra effort worrying about others emotions. You don’t need to worry yourself about what your parents did right or wrong. That’s on them.

    Yours is to do the best you can for yourself. Love those who love you back and know that no one who loves you is perfect. We are all humans with faults and mistakes in our history. Not worrying about those things will allow you to enjoy your life more.

    Source: 42 years on this planet.

    Have fun, and don’t use your limited time in this planet holding grudges or hanging onto any negative emotions!