I want to start off by assuring you that all of these confusing and sometimes contradictory feelings are very normal. I highly recommend the Gender Dysphoria website which is what helped me realize I am a woman back in October.

https://genderdysphoria.fyi/

For me, a lot of this website resonated with me on such a deep personal level that it made me realize that all these small intimate moments and memories actually added up to a lifetime of dysphoria being AMAB.

Sure, a lot of your examples could be interpreted to be something that cishet men like to do. But you have quite a large list of examples plus more in a word doc. That tells me this is more than a “typical” cis man would experiment with or experience.

I would suggest maybe looking back on your life and try and think of how you felt when doing typically masculine things. Or being perceived as masculine. For me, I’ve mostly felt uncomfortable and even unsafe in situations where I felt I needed to put on a “macho” persona to fit in. And on the other side of the coin, when I was perceived as feminine, that gave me a sense of safety and comfort. For example, many times as a child I was mistaken for a girl because I had really long hair. People would profusely apologize but deep down I was happy to be thought of in that way. Even just for a second. I would get uncomfortable when someone would correct themselves and assure me that “I’m definitely a boy and very handsome” or some nonsense.

I think you realizing you enjoy being referred to with female pronouns might be something you should reflect more on.

And you’re right on that last point. The fact that if you could wave a magic wand and instantly become a woman, tells me that maybe you need to explore that some more.

Nobody else can tell you if you are transgender or whatever identity. The only person that can do that is yourself. So this involves a lot of deep personal self reflective time in order to sift through all of the defense mechanisms and internal transphobia we have all developed in order to survive.

I will say this that has been my northern star through my journey.

Listen to your deepest self. Follow those moments of happiness and learn to care for yourself. You will find your peace ❤️

Good luck in your journey and no matter where you end up, know that there are people who support you! Feel free to reach out and DM me if you have more questions or want to talk :)

EDIT: I have terrible reading comprehension skills sometimes. I see you have already read through the gender dysphoria bible. Good starting place!

I think that’s true for many cishet men, atleast 3 of my close friends tend to choose female characters too.

A lot of trans people find out a lot of their friends were trans as well, even if none of them knew that they were trans when they became friends.

Not going to say there aren’t cis men who tend to choose women, but of the 3 cis people I know, one teases me for choosing female character and clearly likes styling their male characters, one always chooses masculine characters and clearly cares about styling their main characters, and I think the last pretty much always chooses male characters and he’s got a bit of a femboy side.

Multiple of these points here do remind me of myself. Before I started questioning my gender many years ago, I felt like I had to be hyper-masculine, although being hyper-masculine made me feel depressed. I think it was because deep down I felt feminine yet society was telling me otherwise so I felt I needed to overcompensate masculinity to cancel out the femininity. I think that if I didn’t have this hyper-masculinity, I would have realized that I am trans a lot sooner.

During this point in my life, I was so depressed I could hardly function. I got put on anti-depresants and I was happy for about 2 months. Then I went back to school in the fall and I started getting depressed again. It was then that I realized that I was envious of women and that it was making me depressed. Not long after that realization I started expirementing with my gender and I noticed that it was making me very happy and that being masculine was making me depressed so that is what led me to conclude that I am trans. Many years later and I am on HRT and I’ve never been happier.

Honestly I think the barrier to you not being able to draw yourself is that you are not ready to accept yourself as potentially being trans. Being trans, especially at first is very scary. There are so many new things to familiarize yourself with and on top of that you have to deal with people potentially being dickheads. Coming out is like taking a leap of faith, and hopefully you have supportive friends and family who will catch you or else you will smash into the ground and have to lift yourself up on your own. However, taking this leap is the best decision I ever made because I am so much happier now. I hope this didn’t discourage you at all, it’s just the reality of it, but I swear you will feel so much euphoria when you finally step out of your comfort zone and draw yourself as a woman. I know I did when I shoddily photoshopped long hair and makeup on me many years ago.

You’ve already got a ton of great advice, and it sounds like your next steps are lined up, so I’ll just throw in some words of encouragement and further reading in case you’re interested.

Since I had my moment of realization, the mindset I’ve tried to stick to is “the only way out is through.” For me, at this point, that means transition, but it doesn’t have to - that’s up to you. The reason I bring it up is because it’s very easy for this kind of thing to be derailed by the complexities, distractions, and dramatic events of regular life - especially if you turn out to be repressed and looking for excuses to kick the can down the road, like I was. You will likely benefit from sticking with it, in the sense of really engaging with this question and carrying through until you find a satisfying answer for yourself, whatever that answer will end up being. If you are transgender, delaying it will only mean coming back to it later in life, after having suffered needlessly. And if you’re not, there’s no harm in having taken the time to know yourself a bit better.

I’d also like to share some links that were instrumental to me getting through the questioning phase to the other side, in the order I encountered them.

• These two are related, and are about symptoms of gender dysphoria that are not obviously related to gender. Since you already read the Gender Dysphoria Bible, it probably won’t be news to you.
  • https://genderanalysis.net/articles/that-was-dysphoria-8-signs-and-symptoms-of-indirect-gender-dysphoria/
  • https://genderanalysis.net/2017/06/depersonalization-in-gender-dysphoria-widespread-and-widely-unrecognized/
• This one paints a vivid picture of the kinds of experiences you might have had growing up if you happen to be a trans woman who likes women, and really drives home how it’s possible to grow up without realizing you’re trans. It did a lot to help me recognize myself in trans stories and really see it as a possibility.
  • https://medium.com/the-identity-current/plight-of-the-transbian-4ab1a048b09b
• This one gives more of a logical/philosophical argument that helped shift my thinking in terms of the possibility of being trans.
  • https://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/04/17/the-null-hypothecis/
• And this was the killing stroke, as it has been for so many others. The link is just to page one; to get the full story/effect you need to click through for the whole conversation that follows.
  • https://reallifecomics.com/comic.php?comic=june-29-2020

Hope some of that helps, or is at least interesting.

Aw I love this community, so many wonderful replies already <3 I don’t have much to add that hasn’t been said already, so I’ll just say that everything you’re feeling and thinking is real and valid and even though we’re total strangers I’m really proud of you for taking the time to reflect and deepen your understanding of yourself because it can definitely be really scary but it’s so worth it in the end <3

I am in a very similar situation to yours (adhd + autism), and just wanted to say that most of your experiences line up with mine even the tabletop rpg stuff (although i havent dressed feminine before in a social setting). as the only place im actually out for being trans is online; and havent dressed up for any dnd/events before.

But personally i feel like the most important part here is “if i could be a woman without consequences i would” which is the reason im only out in online places.

because i personally dont have gender dysphoria; just gender euphoria when gendered as a woman (and i think you aswell but i cant speak for you but that is my gut instinct). So i don’t mind going through life as a man because i fear the work i would have to do to change would be more annoying than just keeping the satus quo. but for you seeing as people complemented you dressed feminine might not be as big of a barrier, as you seem to have great people in your social circle.

apologies for grammar or typos currently writing on a phone while slightly drunk and dyslexic. if anything isnt clearly written let me know but i already reread this 3 times >.<

in the words of the great Timothy Dexter: “salt and pepper these as you see fit ,…‘’‘’:::;;;;”

Others have already written a lot about their experience and therefore I will keep it short. One thing that made a big difference for me was that feelings like the ones that you are describing are certainly normal - to an extent. But when all of them come together, then there is “something there”. No smoke without a fire, so to speak.

There is a little game “What’s your gender?” that helped me. It’s short. If you have a little time, I recommend checking it out.

Wherever you may go, may Blahaj be with you!

Your story sounds very familiar to me! I recently came to terms with the fact that I am transgender, so i think i am in a similar place to you right now, or at least i was very recently. When I had my “awakening” it helped me recontextualize a lot of feelings that i didnt even know were there. I played a female character in a Pathfinder game and felt really attatched to her in a way that i hadn"t felt with my male characters. I even has some art commissioned of her that i use as a profile picture, and i use her name as my username on lots of sites (including this one!).

It made me remember a time in middle school when i was at a birthday party with mostly girls and we had a scavenger hunt at the mall. One of the objectives was to take a picture with a bra on over your clothes, and i quickly volunteered. At the time i thought it was just funny as the only guy in the group, but in retrospect i was very excited to try it on. Ive had a girlfriend give me a full face of makeup and it made me feel really good about myself. Ive been painting my nails and doing nail art for several years. Some of my guy friends paint their nails too, but it was always a different vibe. They would do solid dark colors and i would do bright colors, sometimes with patterns or shapes, and it always felt really nice.

Throughout all of these experiences i never seriously questioned my gender. It only occurred to me around a month ago that I might actually be a woman, and thay made me recontextualize all of these things years afterward. I’m 26 AMAB and i kind of thought it was too late for me to discover something fundamental about myself like this, but that’s not true! It’s never too late to be yourself.

Ultimately nobody can say what gender you are except you, but i feel a lot of kinship with the experiences you have described. I reccomend that you experiment a little, maybe buy some women’s underwear to wear under your regular clothes, or if your girlfriend is supportive and you feel safe, try some of her clothes on. The thing that solidified my feelings on the matter was shaving my legs. It was a huge moment of euphoria for me and basically removed any doubt i had.

I hope you find the answers you are looking for!

Thank you all very very much for your stories and advice! I’m absolutely floored by the support I’ve already received! I also appreciate your advice to explore myself without trying to push any label on me. It doesn’t matter where the road leads me to, the trans community will always have a special place in my heart. Thank you.

It’s getting kind of late here in Germany, so if i’m not responding to your comments I’m probably sleeping :)

I’m in a not dissimilar position to you, right down to the childhood karate, and really resonate with your post. Except I’m 4 years older and my relationship has been going for 4 years older. It’s always weird and scary to understand these things, and can be very hard to share with your partner. I’ve been talking to a therapist about some of this stuff recently and they recommended reading the work of Meg John Barker, particularly the material on plurality. They have a lot of material available on line for free and it’s all short, really worth a read. The guist of it is that as a person you are likely plural, made up of multiple different “personas” that can be thought of the sources of various emotions/feelings, and it’s likely that one of more of them are not the gender you’re assigned at birth. You can embrace this at times without fully transitioning, or use it as a way to experiment 5o see if you want to live full time as a woman. I have so much respect for the girls here who have done it, but it looks like a challenging ordeal, even once you’re passing, and it is further complicated by already being in a cis het relationship with someone you love, means there is a lot more on the line. Wish you all the best in figuring all this out (and maybe when you do you can let me know xD )

“Eventhough I like to draw women and always wanted to draw myself as one, there was always some kind of barrier which prevented me from doing that…” Self image. Just come back to this one when you want to make progress and consider what the barrier is. My very low stakes advice would be start drawing, and see where it goes. No risk high exploration.