I sort of got a bar mitzvah, but the asshole Israeli who was supposed to teach me Hebrew sucked at it and I never learned. So I read my passage with a crib sheet that told me how to pronounce everything. My cousin, who was the rabbi officiating, took me aside and said, “they may not know what you’re doing out there today, but GOD KNOWS!” My dad and I had a good laugh about that for years.

I only did the whole thing for my grandparents’ sake.