I recently had the mind-boggling idea to reach out to The One That Got Away. It had been over a decade since our last interaction, which was fraught with unconcluded sexual tension and awkwardness. We used to be fast friends during Uni, there was an undeniable connection between us, but I was too busy learning lessons about toxic relationships and had been wrecked by my first, a 6-year relationship which ended with being dumped via text. Whatever, water under the bridge now, but that last time we spoke I was barely a month out of the aforementioned shitshow and acting upon said sexual tension felt too close to cheating for my comfort.
Anyway, TOTGA - let’s call her Liz for simplicity’s sake, moved abroad shortly after our last interaction and I didn’t show up to her moving away get-together as I felt things were still too awkward and confusing on my end. And that was that, followed by 12 years of zero contact and What Ifs.
Now I’m back in town, so to speak - moved back to the city in which I attended Uni alongside Liz and everything started boiling up to the surface again. After several months of sitting with it, I decided to go against my better judgement and ignore the only rational conclusion, namely that anything and everything that was or could have been had ended about a lifetime ago and I should leave things as they are. Found her on LinkedIn, started writing up a letter-cum-exposition dump, but she added and messaged me before I could even paste the draft. She gave me her number, we switched to a chat app, then proceeded to spend four and a half hours in a video call, in the middle of the night.
She acted as though not a second went by since that last interaction. She was as ebullient and unfiltered as ever, and demonstrated immense comfort in spending time with me (she wore a t-shirt and undies and was in no way bothered by having her entire crotch on display…) It truly felt as though I’d left her place ‘yesterday.’ We chatted about our past and present lives, I was as in love with her now as I’ve been 12 years ago, with the addition that this time I actually understood what was going on inside, then we ended the call with promises of reciprocal visits and TTYLs.
I was buzzing. Woke up the next morning eager to check that the call actually happened and dropped her a giddy text when reality was confirmed. She reciprocated briefly, then silence. Been 24 hours now. And it just hit me that I may have grossly misinterpreted things and that I’m a fucking moron. She’s always been ebullient and unfiltered with everyone she considered a friend, the only actual way I could tell she wanted something more was that you suddenly had her hand down your pants. She’s always been forward and direct, unafraid of speaking and/or acting her mind (part of why I keep falling for her), so it started becoming obvious that the initial conclusion had, indeed, been the correct one and I’d fucked things up for myself yet again! Go, me…
So now I’m back at Depression Management 101 as I can feel another episode rearing its ugly head, laying in this misery ditch I have dug for myself by being shit at understanding people, and she’ll now constantly be there to remind me of it.
I swear on my mother’s grave! I know it’s hard to believe, can hardly believe it myself right this instant, but we even had the same types of jokes, we teased and prodded eachother in the exact same ways, we had the same rhythms, the same frequencies, it truly was as though nothing had changed. Don’t get me wrong, I have no illusion that she is the same exact person she was back then, as neither am I. Hell, I can feel exactly how tired and weary I’ve become over the years and how that naiveté vanished a good bit of time ago, I imagine it’s at least this for her based on what she shared. But it was as though we both got jolted back to where we left off. Again, I am a stranger on the internet, but I swear it’s exactly as I’m telling it.
I agree with you that I am emotionally excitable, could even call me compromised, but my rationalisation mechanisms kicked in before I made the post and those disable any input my emotions may have other than retreating to not be a stressor for anyone else while I’m like this. Sorry, long side note, but I felt the need to clarify this.
I can understand why you’d think we’ve not progressed, but you’re also neglecting the possibility that a person may, indeed, have their values and outlook, thus their general behaviour, essentially unchanged, even though they’ve grown as people. Can tell you my issues were not related to who I am, rather to what I’ve let others do to me.
It’ll hurt exactly because whatever this is between us, after 12 years of living plenty, still feels as good as it used to. And, yes, it hurts because romantic love is selfish by its inherent nature, otherwise it’d be nothing but platonic. And I can tell you, what I’m feeling for her is anything but platonic. There’s a deep sense of non-romantic love there, too, because I really would rather know she’s well above all, regardless of what she’d need for that to happen, which is why I’m going through this turmoil in the first place - trying to juggle not hurting myself and not hurting her at the same time. It really isn’t easy. And it’s made all the harder by the first repetition, so far I have seen every single one of her aspects with which I fell in love back then made manifest for four and a half hours on my phone.
And, as for your last point, yes! I agree! She, as the thoroughly, sometimes annoyingly imperfect human being I’ve come to know throughout this life, is anything but a goddess. But she’s still outta this world.