Still in good shape. Maintenance is working. Even had my partner’s mother stay with us for about five days due to a power outage that (for some reason) took PGE forever to fix with zero issues.

I wish us all well going into this week. And if it’s on top of you, know that you can learn to subdue it over time.

My sleep is awful, gone from 6 to 3-1/2 or 4 hours, but I’m still functional. For the most part. 🤷‍♀️

I feel like I’m broken.

I’m trying to make the music thing work, but I keep getting so burnt out. My private lessons dropped to 1 a week for a bit, but as spring break ends I’m hoping to get back up. But if I can’t… I just don’t want to go back to an office job ever again. I know I will fail there, my brain doesn’t work in a corporate environment. My family keeps saying “oh you’ve had a few bad companies you worked for. You should try again, they aren’t all like that” and sure, maybe there’s some company that treats it’s employees like people, but after 5 of those jobs, I just don’t know how many times I can trust Lucy with the football (peanuts reference). But my credit card debt just keeps me down, and I want out.

I saw my sister’s first paycheck a while ago- turns out off the bat she made more than I ever did. I looked back at our childhood, and I realized that she was diagnosed with ADHD really early on. Mom would openly say she was fucked up, but both my parents helped her out with homework every night. They helped her develop a work ethic and money management sense that I realized I never got. I joke that I was a latchkey kid, not because my family wasn’t home, but because they were upstairs helping my sister. When my grades went poorly in middle school, I was told I was lazy, didn’t seem to care, and was disorganized. But I also realized because sis took hours to do the dishes, I was the one who did the dishes. I took out the trash. I fucking dug out the septic tank and moved the bramble. That was boys work. Sis had to focus on her studies. Sis had a wall of fame for her grades. Dad made me a wall of shame. I remember he had a graph of my grades and what colleges demanded for a GPA. I couldn’t even get up to Bellevue Community College.

Now my sister bought my parents house. They said she bought at market rate, but I realized in the Seattle area it’s still a fucking deal that she didn’t have to get into a bidding war with anyone. I mean fuck, I was homeless for 2 weeks in Chicago during the polar vortex of 2019. I’m still just trying to pay rent. But when I talk to my family, the people who I feel should come to me with some sympathy, I just get grilled on “why do you quit so easy? Why can’t you just get a full time job? Are you spending all your money on latés?” It’s so frustrating. I grew up being told my sister needed help and that I didn’t. Now that I feel I need help, it’s just too late. It’s too late for me.

Honestly I feel angry and sad. I feel like I never had a chance, or maybe I just blew it. I feel like as a world of AI art comes along, people like me aren’t needed. I’m useless to society.

Then there’s the love life. I felt a connection with a cool person who became a friend, but when I broached the topic, she said she thought I was cute but was just in a situation ship with a mutual friend who happens to be our drummer. I get it, I don’t like band relationships either. I feel like that’s the pattern though. Anyone I who I sense a healthy relationship with rejects me. Anyone who I’m not actually super interested in is happy to be with me. I feel like a fucking monster since I’ve had relationships I wasn’t really into go on for months if not years. I hurt people, I break hearts before mine can be broken.

I went and had a one night stand with someone I met on Facebook dating (I hate online dating), and then we had a second date. I feel huge anxiety as I know deep down this will be another failure of a relationship. I just keep doing stupid things and I hate that I just can’t feel love or anything. I’m avoidant as fuck. I just can’t crack the code. I tried being okay with being single, but even then I was just numb and lonely. I’m an extrovert, I need people. In this day and age, everyone is happy to flake or stay to themselves. I just can’t do this.

I used to think I was Bisexual, and I had several happy homosexual relationships, but after a string of heterosexual relationships, my therapist just insists on saying I’m heterosexual. I guess I am, but I feel really icky with it. When I came out to my sister, who made sure to come out to my parents on my behalf (not my fucking choice), my mom wouldn’t look me in the eye for a month. I feel like all my pain means nothing. I just want to cut my self again. I’m 29 I’m too old for this shit. I’m never going to fully love or have the dignity of a full grown adult. I’m just broken deep down. There’s a rot deep inside me and when I have been able to show the core to someone, she left me. I’m so fucking messed up and no one will care.

Anyway one thing that keeps me going are Weezer memes