cross-posted from: https://hexbear.net/post/3132208

it’s important to understand how shame and guilt actually work before you try to use it for good.

Not that anybody asked, but I think it’s important to understand how shame and guilt actually work before you try to use it for good.

It’s a necessary emotion. There are reasons we have it. It makes everything so. much. worse. when you use it wrong.

Shame and guilt are DE-motivators. They are meant to stop behavior, not promote it. You cannot, ever, in any meaningful way, guilt someone into doing good. You can only shame them into not doing bad.

Let’s say you’re a parent and your kid is having issues.

Swearing in class? Shame could work. You want them to stop it. Keep it in proportion, and it might help. (KEEP IT IN PROPORTION!!!)

Not doing their homework? NO! STOP! NO NOT DO THAT! EVER! EVER! EVER! You want them to start to do their homework. Shaming them will have to opposite effect! You have demotivated them! They will double down on NOT doing it. Not because they are being oppositional, but because that’s what shame does!

You can’t guilt people into building better habits, being more successful, or getting more involved. That requires encouragement. You need to motivate for that stuff!

If you want it in a simple phrase:

You can shame someone out of being a bad person, but you can’t shame them into being a good person.

It was nice to see this put so clearly. This election cycle has left me exhausted and demotivated, and this hits it square on the head.

stolen from https://grungekitty-77.tumblr.com/post/754482938951892992/fun-fact-that-was-literally-what-inspired-me-to

  • @voracitude
    7•1 month ago

    This rings quite true, without deep examination on my part anyway.

    And also if it’s true when dealing with other people, it’s true when dealing with yourself too.

  • BearEnglish
    5•1 month ago

    Generally, positivity motivates and negativity demotivates. Best to lead by example and avoid confusion. Easier to learn the correct way than unlearn the wrong way.

  • KillingTimeItselfEnglish
    1•1 month ago

    an interesting thing in regards to shame in my experience is the difference between eastern and western cultures. Taking japan for example, it’s a highly shame based society, the only reason why it seems to work is because it’s moderately externalized, and even then there’s an argument to be made for it not working.

    In japan, the idea of bringing shame to your family name is a big concept. Not just you, not just disappointing others, but letting down your entire family lineage. (at least, i believe this is the case, probably don’t quote me on this)

    I think it can work to reinforce good behavior, but the problem is that the mechanism for this to work is much more primal and intrinsic to society.

    it’s certainly worth some investigation i suppose.