When growing up my parents taught me to stand up to bullies. (We’re talking about verbal abuse and manipulation, not physical bullying.) Following that advice as a kid led to mixed results yet it’s stuck with me into my adult years.
These days though, using this advice only seems to backfire. When I give them what they’ve given me, the bullies just get more angry and use that to justify their continued bullying. They see themselves as the victim.
Any suggestions that would be more helpful?
Define bully more clearly. What adults do tends to be more indirect than kids.
As kids, bullies are pretty direct, so standing up to them is effective, at a minimum for building your own strength for standing up to things. (In a way, bullying is just the extreme form of how we tease each other growing up, which gives us opportunity to practice dealing with conflict).
Kid bullies expect other kids to just give in. By not doing so, you’ve changed the “frame” of the interaction.
As adults, dealing with assholes requires this same skill: reframing the situation in a way the aggressor doesn’t expect (or maybe comprehend).
Big guys who happen to have good character know they intimidate people just by being there, so have learned to put people at ease though body language and personality. Having worked with and for some of these guys, I’ve learned a LOT from them about controlling or influencing the frame in a given group or interaction. They know they can simply smack down an aggressor, but would prefer not to, as it doesn’t look good and is a hassle for them so is considered a last-attempt option. Which gives them all the mental leeway to just fuck with people who are being stupid.
I’ve watched these kinds of guys redirect all sorts of craziness, from aggressive drunks on the street (became their buddy), to coaxing Directors or VP’s to do things their way…as a Senior Manager. Watching aggravated people laugh within minutes of engaging with someone like this is astounding.
Befriend a big guy who’s like this - what you can learn is invaluable.