I’m conflicted. I have a parent who’s dying. I feel the void of the parenting I was supposed to receive. They never fulfilled any of the obligations I consider appropriate. I’m a parent, now. They did none of the things I’m doing for my kids.
On some level, I know the expectation is that I should feel sad. There’s literally no realistic expectation that they’ll turn a new leaf in their 70’s and suddenly become a decent human being. Maybe there’s a 1 in a million chance, but when they die, that’s definitively 0. I want them to turn a new leaf, but I know it’s unrealistic. I get jealous (and keep it to myself) when my friends and family have their parents in their lives.
On the other hand, they are literally the worst person in my life. I’ve never had anyone treat me as badly and fail me so hard as they have. I haven’t spoken to them in years. They literally don’t understand why, because they’re a narcissist. Very “missing, missing reasons” kind of person.
So I’m conflicted. I have tons of evidence that they suck, but there’s still a part of me that craves a parent actually being there. Part of me thinks I should feel bad when anyone suffers and passes away, but another part of me is borderline relieved.
Whatever you’re feeling, it’s all valid. Nothing is ever really black or white, and you don’t have to try and keep your emotions in clearly defined boxes. Just feel what you’re feeling, acceptance is key. Having conflicting emotions is a common and understandable thing.
For a more personal opinion: this idea that someone being related means you owe them something… well, frankly it’s asinine. We don’t choose our blood relatives, we get stuck with them. Some people win the family lottery, others get stuck with a bunch of assholes. Take the whole blood thing out of the equation, is what I’d say. Missing what you might have had is only human, but separate this from the people they actually were. I guess, ask yourself this: if you weren’t related to them, would you have chosen to have them in your life at all? Your real family is the one you choose. Some people just really aren’t worth your time, even if only because you have to protect your own mental health and happiness.
In your case, if I understand correctly, you’ve already decided not to have them in your life. Maybe it’s just that the finality of death makes you doubt your own choices in this? I’d say trust your instincts and the choices you made. We cannot control or change other people, only the way we respond to them.