"Cave Johnson here. I have bad news, and I have good news. The bad news is that the AI we developed for our melee sentry turret concept developed a targeting error due to misinterpreting the verbal input ‘aim for center mass’. We think it misheard the last word. It only ever delivered nonfatal injuries to the test subjects rectal regions.

The good news is that one of our interns replaced the knife with a dildo and stationed one in his supervisor’s office along with a scathing resignation letter. The supervisor reported faster and more intense prostatic stimulation than any sex toy currently on the market - apparently this guy’s a connoisseur! HA!

The turrets have all been refitted with different sizes and shapes of dildos, and tight little studded leather vests. Testing will resume tomorrow morning: we’re rebranding and exploring its potential for the sex toy industry.

Also find that intern, we need to get him back as a paid employee - that type of innovative thinking shouldn’t go to waste!"