My partner and I just had a talk about it. Basically, she celebrated her birthday today. I was on her party, and it was fun, but I left after around 2 hours to get home and relax a bit. After I arrived, a friend of mine texted me and asked me if I wanted to go to a lake and see the sunset. I agreed, we went to the lake and went swimming in it; it was really nice. Later, after arriving at my partners, she talked with me that it hurts her that I went out with someone else on her birthday, doing a romantically coded activity.
To be honest, I realize that I don’t have a single clue what is coded as a romantically coded activity. For me, this was something completely okay and appropriate, because it is for me clearly a friend-thing; but my partner explained to me that the combination of going out with another person on her birthday and going to a sea, which is a secluded place, just heavily connotates it in a romantic way.
I understand that what I’ve done here wasn’t right, and that I have responsibility here. Even though I didn’t want to hurt my partner, it is still my responsibility to inform myself here on romantically conmotated things you shouldn’t do in a partnership. So, dear people of Lemmy, what does constitute a romantic moment?
Edit: I’ve left out some information which seems to be important for the whole picture . I’ve copied it out of my comment and adding it here:
Me and my gf got together in August of last year, so basically 8 months ago; we were friends for half a year before that. She got cheated on in her long distance relationship before.
The friend who invited me to the sea I actually know for almost as long as my partner, from the beginning of Uni. She had a breakup from a three-year old relationship a few months ago, and I was there to support her. I didn’t clarify before though if she was okay with me cuddling with people or not; I assumed it was with her, because it was okay in her LDR before - which was wrong of me. I overstepped the boundaries of my partner here.
The friend in question kissed me at the neck while I was at hers. I talked with her about it and let her know that I wasn’t okay with it, to which she reacted quite hurt. She then told me that we shouldn’t be friends, but two weeks ago she collapsed at Uni and I brought her home. Now we are meeting again.
While I’m writing this down, I’m actually starting to notice that there are a lot of other factors playing in why my partner is upset here. She has been cheated on in the past, which definitely leads her to feel uncomfortable about my actions, even though I obviously don’t want to cheat. I broke a societally unwritten rule of not meeting people in romantically coded settings on your partners birthday. And I overstepped the boundary of my partner before by cuddling with the friend without my partners consent.
You are in the wrong on many fronts. Including that information in the OP is a good idea so the bigger picture is understood.
Your friend has very clear romantic interest in you and likely has for a while, she doesn’t respect your relationship with your girlfriend, and she doesn’t want to give up trying to steal you from your girlfriend. Until she can respect your relationship, you should not be alone with her. Even if you didn’t consider going to the beach with her a date, she was trying to take you on a date. By trying to be her friend, you are probably leading her on and she probably thinks the attention you are giving her is an indication that you have romantic interest in her that is held back by your current relationship. She probably thinks that being persistent and pushing or overstepping the platonic line will be rewarded. If you have no interest in her, she needs to know that.
Your girlfriend’s issues related to being cheated on need to be considered. She should be working on that, but you need to work with her on that by being open and honest to build trust because she doesn’t trust you. If she doesn’t know the whole story between you and your friend, you need to tell your girlfriend everything. Understand that your girlfriend probably is paranoid that you are going to cheat on her like that other guy and she may constantly be looking for signs that you are or will cheat on her because she probably looked at the last relationship for signs that she missed and is applying that to your relationship. If the two of you don’t work on her infidelity concerns, it will drive a wedge between the two of you and lead to the relationship failing even if everything else in the relationship is fantastic. It isn’t fair to you for her to suspect you might cheat on her just because some other guy did, but your history with your friend has given your girlfriend plenty of cause to be suspicious of you.
You also should be thinking about what is best for you. There are two women that want to be with you and one might be better than the other, even if that isn’t your girlfriend. Staying with the wrong person isn’t fair to 3 people.
Thank you for your comment - I appreciate it. I’ve added my comment to the original description so that the whole picture is visible to other people. Thank you for recommending me to do that; I haven’t been sure if that’s necessary, so thank you for clarifying that.
I am not sure what exactly to comment or think on you writing that my friend is romantically involved in me. My friend is already in a relationship with another guy, and I think that after her kiss I made it quite clear that I don’t want this to happen. To be honest, for me it is totally obvious that you don’t go after people who are already in a relationship, so I don’t want to interpret her actions in the light of her going after me. I like her and I appreciate our friendship, but why should she be romantically interested in me if she even explicitly said that she doesn’t go after people who are in relationships? I just think it is a basic consensus.
But also, to be honest, if I would be my own friend I would also urge myself to caution. My partner has actually asked me before I went to hers and she kissed me if I was sure she wasn’t romantically interested in me, to which I replied “yes, she definitely isn’t, why should she be?” And when I then talked with my therapist later about it, I realized that she kissed me. So my judgment of people being romantically interested in me definitely isn’t good (actually I only noticed my current partner being romantically interested in me when she began calling me “darling” and “love”, before that I just thought we are good friends.)
My girlfriend already knows the whole story, and I also know she reads this thread (hi to you btw, u potato); it is very clear to both of us that we talk about this dynamic. I think that she does a good job by sharing her concerns with me, so I don’t think she does anything wrong here.
I am not sure what to make of it. It just seems to me completely irresponsible and wrong of my friend if she is romantically interested in me to take actions in that regard when we both are in relationships. I can’t really justify to myself seeing her actions in that light, because for me it goes against fundamental moral values I have. But I’m wondering now if I just tell to myself that she isn’t romantically interested in me. Either she doesn’t get the social cues like me, or she is interested in me. I’m not sure what of these applies though.
I am not trying to be insulting, but I am going to give you my perception of you bluntly. I don’t believe that you are socially aware/intelligent enough to see interpret her behaviors to understand her motivations and handle the situation without issues.
If she is equally socially oblivious/ignorant, that complicates matters so much more because neither of you have any clue what the other is doing or thinking, which creates a big grey area that gets so much more messy than just one person being oblivious.
On the worse side is if she is very socially aware and intelligent, doesn’t respect your relationship at all, and is wanting to manipulate things in her favor. She may just be with someone just so she isn’t alone and he is just keeping her occupied while she waits for you.
People giving statements about their morality should always be taken to have an “unless…” tacked onto their statements. “I would never go after someone in a relationship, unless…” You may be an “unless”.
The smart move is to never be alone with her. It sucks losing a friend because they have feelings, but keeping someone in the friend zone without feelings getting hurt or intentions misunderstood is hard enough when you are socially intelligent and aware, basically remote robotic rocket surgery while blindfolded if you aren’t.
It is great that your girlfriend and you have an open dialogue about what is going on, that helps her feel more trusting of you and helps build confidence in the relationship and your fidelity. Talk with her and ask her what you should do about your friend.
I know I wouldn’t be comfortable with my socially inept and oblivious girlfriend spending time with a guy who has made a move on her before and invited her to romantic activities alone on my birthday, but at the same time I would struggle with asking her to stop being friends with him. I would want them to stop being friends because I am insecure and have been cheated on and feel threatened by their friendship for fairly valid reasons.
Got it. Thank you for your comment - I honestly am grateful for it. It is good room for thought, and I’ll think on that and talk to my partner and therapist about this. I’m sure they’ll have additional thoughts on how to move forward.
I especially appreciate you telling me directly what you think. It helps me a lot.
Have a nice time!