When you’re at work, do you ever find yourself fantasizing and being hyper motivated about being home to continue THAT thing you’re really excited about or should be doing. But then once you get home all motivation evaporates and you end up doing nothing and feeling guilty about it?
Me too. I wish I could devote the amount of time/energy to hobbies that I do to work, but my job pays for that time and attention, so they get it
I’ve got so used to that way of operating, I actually have some difficulty marshalling that same kind of focus (such as it is…) to hobbies or projects I actually care about.
It takes me a pretty long “runway” (like longer than 2 days without paid work) to build up the gumption to even consider doing something self actualizing.
Even then, I’ll usually just do a udemy course that’s good for my career or whatever. I’m fkn corpo brained mates 🫨
I empathize with you so much I wish I could just give you a hug. For real.
It’s the state religion of “total work.” Most of us are kept on such a short leash with such exhausting drudgery and with the background of every waking moment shouting about how our situation will destabilize at any moment, so we have to deliver more “value” lest we get left behind to die.
So we start weighing every single thing in the languages of currency, and business, and “return on investment.” The final and often terminal corpo-brain-rot stage is when we convince ourselves we actually like this state of being.
Anymore, people can’t just do, or be, everything has to be a “side hustle” or “monetizable”. It somehow paywalls the arts or hobbies into being something pursuable only if you’ve got limitless energy or are born into an environment that fosters it.
I dunno what the answer is…my therapist kept trying to convince me to set aside a block of time that I respect for things like this. I still want to do that, but I’m in this community for a reason LMAO.
But every act of creation for its own sake is an act of rebellion against being turned into a commoditized consumer-laborer. An act of humanity.
It sounds so backwards, but maybe try to join a group or other kind of “accountability” friends that will hold you to doing this thing you actually enjoy. It might be really hard to break out of this perverse culture, but you might even find more energy if you allow your inner child to play once in a while. :)
Whatever it is that your soul lights up for, I’m praying you find a way to pursue it. We don’t get a second chance. <3
Ack. Very much “Winston Smith loved big brother” vibes. But I understand how someone might get tired of raging and raging and only getting sadder and less happy. I think I flirt with it at times myself, but then feel guilty for being a content little worker cog. It’s a betrayal of one’s human dignity, but easier for some to give in to being one of these “consumer-labourers.”
That’s good advice. I’m actually in a game dev book club and a writing club lol, but often these become another reason to feel guilty for not actualising more… Maybe I need to shift my perspective on them… Emphasise fun rather than thinking of them as tasks like I would do with work.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment! This is the second such one from you that (insofar as I look at user names) has truly touched me. Truly, I appreciate it. <3