I did it. I came out to everyone that matters. No one has cut me off or thrown me out. The process took about 6 months longer than I thought it would, but we are here, on the other side of that long tunnel. But instead of flying out of the other side, speeding my way towards a full transition, I’m maybe two steps further transitioned than I was six months ago. No momentum.

And oh boy am I tired. Long talks with good friends, debating theology with my pastor, answering questions, calming fears, it’s a lot of social energy.

Can I just stop being trans for one bloody moment? I need a breather. But no, that’s not an option, the dysphoria is not abated. So onward I press, taking the hard path, the good path, the slow path. I can be a Christian and trans. I can keep my support network and transition. I don’t have to lose my wife and kids, we can make this work.

But

it’s

so

slow

.

I’ve been transitioning as slowly as possible for 30 years, but I’m ready to drop my masc and make a mad dash to the other side. I’m ready to throw out the guy clothes, take E, get an orchi, laser my face. I know different people experience womanhood differently, but I feel like I haven’t gotten to experience it all, despite leaning hard on that GNC wall for all my masc years. And so I don’t ask people to call me Amber, she/her, because I don’t feel like I deserve it. Once I’m over there, then I’ll ask. Once I malefail. But this mindset is holding me back. Insisting on maintaining all my relationships and support network is holding me back. My wife working her way through her own theology and gender issues is holding me back. And I can’t lose those, so I limp along, dragging the shattered remains of my masc alongside me.

I thought for sure that putting myself out there would free me to go be myself, that I would be zooming, but instead I’m still plodding along, just now with extra scrutiny.

Last night I dreamed I was a kid, and instead of hiding and building a masc, I was demanding to be myself. Little dream me was so sure of herself, so ready to fight everyone who would tell her she couldn’t be who she really was. I could use her energy right now, and her willingness to fight for herself.

  • cowboycrustation [he/him]MEnglish
    7•5 months ago

    I’m not a Christian but I go to church and have for a while. I recently came out to my church as well. It was a long time coming and I built up to that moment by transitioning in every other way that I could so that it wouldn’t be as much of a surprise. My pastor was supportive from the moment that I came out. I sent out a coming out letter to the whole church and got a lot of support. For reference, I live in the rural deep south. My church is a united Methodist church.

    I highly recommend that you look around for different churches if this one isn’t fitting or you don’t feel accepted. Just go to a different one for a Sunday or two and see how the vibe is and how it makes you feel. I have heard that Episcopalians, united Methodists, united church of Christ, and Lutherans are affirming, but a lot of times it will depend on each individual church to what degree.

    Another option is to visit a Unitarian Universalist church. Although it is not an explicitly christian church, they are welcoming of Christians and it’s kind of a “everyone has their own religious beliefs but we all believe in kindness, helping others, and respect towards each other” deal. They are explicitly affirming and one of the most progressive churches.

    Also, if money allows please consider getting couple’s therapy with your wife. There are plenty of faith based and non faith based ones out there who can help y’all work through things.