cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/13974203

Hey, so I [17 MTF] have now known I’m trans for a bit over 1.5 years. Still, I have only come out to precisely 2 friends and my parents, even though I am a member of several groups that are trans-supportive. I have extreme anxiety when it comes to that.

Some reasons that I believe are part of why: (CW transphobia included)

  • My parents didn’t take it super well and are kind of on the edge between transphobic and supportive. (They have a lot of transphobic views but are generally not malicious about it and try to use gender neutral terms for me most of the time.)
  • One of the friends turned out to be quite transmed despite being trans herself, and has invalidated me on several occasions for not having enough dysphoria at the time.
  • I’m scared other people won’t take it super well and I have no functioning support network.
  • I’m scared I’ll be seen as some kind of abomination
  • I don’t really feel like I “deserve” to come out since I haven’t started HRT yet (and my parents do not support me starting, so I have to do this in secret) and don’t feel like I pass well enough. I know I don’t need to, but telling my anxiety any of that has no effect

This anxiety is absolutely crippling my progress. It extends not only to coming out but also leaves me too scared to even make an attempt to pass. I look pretty fem already and have sufficient voice training for most situations, but I don’t even attempt to use that voice in public just in case it might slip. For this reason, everyone assumes I’m male very quickly upon me saying anything, which also leads to the anxiety worsening because now I’m also scared it was the looks and not the voice.

Additionally, I am non-confrontational to the point of fawning a LOT, which means I end up trying to appease anyone I have a conversation with even when there is no reason to. If someone criticizes the way my walls are painted for example, I will always agree with them to at least some extent, even if I actually like the way the walls are. This also makes coming out super hard because there is absolutely no way I will stand up for myself if someone reacts negatively. And that’ll of course validate them in their negativity.

As I’ve said, I have multiple groups that I know to be trans-supportive. But there, I am afraid coming out might still lead to disapproval due to me “not passing enough”. (Once again, I know this is a harmful way to think, but that’s what I’m here to fix.)

I’m on a waiting list for a therapist, although I don’t know how trans-supportive they are. I’m primarily there to help fix the anxiety and possibly get the autism I suspect to have diagnosed. I do hope they’re good with trans stuff too, but it’s not a requirement as I’ve already sorted the medical things out with slightly less-than-legal options.

So, my question is: Do you have any tips on how to reduce this anxiety and expand my support network by coming out in more places?

  • @[email protected]OPEnglish
    1•4 months ago

    I believe there are, but even there I’d be too scared to go / come out. (Honestly considering I have had a 75% rejection rate, including another trans person, this isn’t too surprising.)

    • CyborganismEnglish
      4•4 months ago

      You can go and just sit and listen. You don’t need to say anything until you’re ready. And if they’re trying to make you say something and you’re not comfortable, you leave.

      Normally these groups are moderated with someone who’s qualified and they’re supposed to ensure this remains a safe space

      But, that’s all up to you. If your don’t want to, that okay too.

      I’m disappointed in your friend though. I would expect someone that’s going through the same thing to be more supportive or at least sympathetic.

      Have you heard of non-violent communication? You can also try to express how you feel with an emotion wheel.

      If you were looking for support in your friend and they ended up hurting your feelings, you could try to express that to them. That you were seeking validation and help from them but their behaviour/answer wasn’t what you expected from them made you feel rejected.

      Or, id you think they’ll be confrontational and want to avoid that, you can also write a diary of your feelings.

      If you’re feeling a lot of anxiety and have ruminating thoughts, you can follow the steps here to help you get through them.

      I’ve been dealing with severe anxiety and have been doing therapy and these are some tools that have helped me quite a bit. I hope they can help you too. 🤍🩵💜

      • @[email protected]OPEnglish
        3•4 months ago

        If you were looking for support in your friend and they ended up hurting your feelings, you could try to express that to them. That you were seeking validation and help from them but their behaviour/answer wasn’t what you expected from them made you feel rejected.

        I have, and they didn’t take it super well. I also don’t think I can currently deal with the mental distress of interacting with them further.

        Or, id you think they’ll be confrontational and want to avoid that, you can also write a diary of your feelings.

        I’ve been writing a detailed diary for over a year now :P