cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/13974203

Hey, so I [17 MTF] have now known I’m trans for a bit over 1.5 years. Still, I have only come out to precisely 2 friends and my parents, even though I am a member of several groups that are trans-supportive. I have extreme anxiety when it comes to that.

Some reasons that I believe are part of why: (CW transphobia included)

  • My parents didn’t take it super well and are kind of on the edge between transphobic and supportive. (They have a lot of transphobic views but are generally not malicious about it and try to use gender neutral terms for me most of the time.)
  • One of the friends turned out to be quite transmed despite being trans herself, and has invalidated me on several occasions for not having enough dysphoria at the time.
  • I’m scared other people won’t take it super well and I have no functioning support network.
  • I’m scared I’ll be seen as some kind of abomination
  • I don’t really feel like I “deserve” to come out since I haven’t started HRT yet (and my parents do not support me starting, so I have to do this in secret) and don’t feel like I pass well enough. I know I don’t need to, but telling my anxiety any of that has no effect

This anxiety is absolutely crippling my progress. It extends not only to coming out but also leaves me too scared to even make an attempt to pass. I look pretty fem already and have sufficient voice training for most situations, but I don’t even attempt to use that voice in public just in case it might slip. For this reason, everyone assumes I’m male very quickly upon me saying anything, which also leads to the anxiety worsening because now I’m also scared it was the looks and not the voice.

Additionally, I am non-confrontational to the point of fawning a LOT, which means I end up trying to appease anyone I have a conversation with even when there is no reason to. If someone criticizes the way my walls are painted for example, I will always agree with them to at least some extent, even if I actually like the way the walls are. This also makes coming out super hard because there is absolutely no way I will stand up for myself if someone reacts negatively. And that’ll of course validate them in their negativity.

As I’ve said, I have multiple groups that I know to be trans-supportive. But there, I am afraid coming out might still lead to disapproval due to me “not passing enough”. (Once again, I know this is a harmful way to think, but that’s what I’m here to fix.)

I’m on a waiting list for a therapist, although I don’t know how trans-supportive they are. I’m primarily there to help fix the anxiety and possibly get the autism I suspect to have diagnosed. I do hope they’re good with trans stuff too, but it’s not a requirement as I’ve already sorted the medical things out with slightly less-than-legal options.

So, my question is: Do you have any tips on how to reduce this anxiety and expand my support network by coming out in more places?

  • Lumelore (She/her)English
    3•6 months ago

    You do deserve to be able to come out and feel safe regardless of if you are on HRT or if you are “passing” or not.

    I’m 21 now, but I used be a highly anxious 17 year old with parents that had a hard time fully accepting me, so I can relate quite a bit. My anxiety and depression weighed on my very heavily, and eventually I decided that I would just bite the bullet and wear a dress in public at a busy park. At this point in time I wasn’t on HRT, I didn’t feel like I “passed”, and I was extremely worried about people seeing me as some weirdo and making a big deal about it. To my surprise no one seemed care at all. I felt more comfortable coming out to people after this experience and many were supportive/okay with me being trans even though I felt like I looked too masculine and strange.

    Anyways, your anxiety around coming out and passing reminded me of myself and my experiences, and I am hoping that I was able to show that it doesn’t really matter if you pass or not. People understand that you are at the beginning of your transition and that it takes time. If they truly do value you, they will be supportive or will come around to it eventually. The first part of transitioning is the most difficult imo, but I swear it does get better and easier.