In a bold move that is set to send shockwaves through their upper-middle-class suburban community, local mother Karen Slawson has made the decision to enroll her son, Timmy, in Krav Maga classes.

“Krav Maga is a gruesome martial art developed by the Israeli Defense Force, known for its no-holds-barred approach to self-defense,” explained Tal Golan, a local Krav Maga instructor. “It’s an ideal martial art to teach young children because if they happen to cause severe harm to a classmate, their age protects them from being tried as adults.”

Karen elaborated on her decision, stating, “Krav Maga’s uncompromising brutality is precisely what Timmy needs to assert himself during recess at Edina Elementary. I don’t care if Timmy has to knee groins, punch throats, or gouge eyes. My son is no longer messing around.”

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