cross-posted from: https://lemmy.dbzer0.com/post/25215421
cross-posted from: https://hexbear.net/post/3132208
it’s important to understand how shame and guilt actually work before you try to use it for good.
Not that anybody asked, but I think it’s important to understand how shame and guilt actually work before you try to use it for good.
It’s a necessary emotion. There are reasons we have it. It makes everything so. much. worse. when you use it wrong.
Shame and guilt are DE-motivators. They are meant to stop behavior, not promote it. You cannot, ever, in any meaningful way, guilt someone into doing good. You can only shame them into not doing bad.
Let’s say you’re a parent and your kid is having issues.
Swearing in class? Shame could work. You want them to stop it. Keep it in proportion, and it might help. (KEEP IT IN PROPORTION!!!)
Not doing their homework? NO! STOP! NO NOT DO THAT! EVER! EVER! EVER! You want them to start to do their homework. Shaming them will have to opposite effect! You have demotivated them! They will double down on NOT doing it. Not because they are being oppositional, but because that’s what shame does!
You can’t guilt people into building better habits, being more successful, or getting more involved. That requires encouragement. You need to motivate for that stuff!
If you want it in a simple phrase:
You can shame someone out of being a bad person, but you can’t shame them into being a good person.
It was nice to see this put so clearly. This election cycle has left me exhausted and demotivated, and this hits it square on the head.
stolen from https://grungekitty-77.tumblr.com/post/754482938951892992/fun-fact-that-was-literally-what-inspired-me-to
That can often be associated with people that were heavily neglected in childhood, or sometimes for people heavily shamed in the same formative years. It becomes a defensive strategy to weaponize it against others. Can be treated with therapy but takes active participation and wanting to do so for years
Very, very rarely there are just psychopaths with no empathy, but even they can learn to adjust their behavior by recognizing they don’t want to be treated that way themselves without consent. Some psychologists consider it less as lacking empathy, more so just being impaired to varying degrees. If that’s beaten out of you in childhood and becomes engrained, it can be very difficult but not impossible
Not to say anyone should put up with it. That’s what’s therapists are for, or jail if they’re so antisocial they’re breaking laws and actively causing harm