I tried writing a post explaining why, but it’s just too much, and too many personal details and having to explain things going years back, it’s just to much.
Very very long story short I’m disabled, about to get evicted, and can’t find a suitable place to live and not mentally strong enough to live somewhere unsuitable again becuse it almost killed me the last times I had to. But ike I say, there is a lot more to it that makes it too big a mess to explain.
And I only have a couple of people supporting me and they’re not available and I’m spiralling in to the dark places where this is all heading, and I figured I’d shout in to the void and see if anyone answers back.
Well. It’s still progress… I’m glad you’re still trying to work it out for yourself. I think a lot of people would probably have given up by now. So on that front I hope you feel a little better.
For me, I had no choice but to keep cracking away at adversity no matter the result. It’s not easy and mostly in my experience atleast was exhausting but nonetheless, things seemed to have worked out mostly. I’m still not anywhere close to have things in place in which I desire fully but it’s a lot better than what it was before.
Hopefully you continue to find motivation and strength through all this. I’m inspired by your willingness to continue to be honest. I know it isn’t easy.
I really appreciate the supportive words but I won’t lie, it’s a struggle every minute, but I don’t want to end it all over this bullshit, but also I do know my limits and that if I’m pushed past a certain point, I just won’t be able to fight anymore, and that in itself adds so much distress to an already distressing situation.
But as you say, it’s almost like there is no choice but to fight, so you fight.
I just heard back about the house I applied for yesterday and I’ve been turned down which really sucks, and I don’t want to jinx it, but the house I applied for today is a better fit, so I’m keeping everything crossed while trying not to get any hopes up in case it’s another no.
Having this space to just let this all out without feeling like I’m burdening anyone has helped a lot too, so thank you for taking the time to hear me.
It’s nice to have met you and thanks for allowing me the opportunity to be here for you!
So talking about not fighting anymore… a few years ago I was stuck on the streets in my home state. I lived in a dead pine forest on federal property for a little more than a year. I had a tent and a few other things I needed to go with it. In the middle of summer, I became ill so I decided that it might be better for me to be closer to people just incase something happened to me. I figured maybe someone would get me help if I needed it.
People didn’t like seeing me around at all. I had constant police interaction multiple times a day and some of them were very rude! I kinda gave up because I never bothered anyone and I kept my distance from everyone as best I could. So yeah, I was constantly being harassed by shitty people. To the point I told the police that there’s nothing I can do about it and if I’m so much of a problem then fix it. Told them that they could put me in jail or take me to a mental hospital but I’d eventually come back. One cop even tried to fight me but I stood up to him and his police buddy prevented a really bad accident from happening that night. I no longer gave a shit…
I took showers in the local grocery store while jamming out to gospel music. Started sleeping wherever at a shopping mall… kept telling the police that they can’t continue to harass me just because some loser didn’t want me around. People are horrible and especially when they are better off than you… they think it’s alright to try and hurt you because you’re nothing to them or society.
But guess what? The police chief came to talk to me. He brought his wife with him and also a couple deputies. They put me up in a motel and gave me a little bit of money. They also found me a place to stay for a while… was some Mexican dude with a Mexican restaurant. Was really cool they helped me and I was thankful but life happened and I decided it was time to move on and still to this day, nobody knew why I left but I couldn’t work, I was too weak from not having enough food or proper shelter and still was very sick. It wasn’t worth explaining the issue with anyone so I ghosted everyone.
It’s always been like this for me. I just sorta go where the wind blows yanno. I never know if I’m gonna be alright but it’s whatever and today is no different. Our lives are precious but we’re disposable to those who do all kinds of evil. It is what it is… my motto is, when I die… bury me upside down so everyone can kiss my ass goodbye lol
That was a tough read, and I’m sorry you had to go through all of that, those kinds of experiences never really leave you and shape how you see humanity, don’t they… It sounds like you’re in a better situation now though, I hope that’s the case. I’ve had bad interactions with cops myself, it can be terrifying, but also you know that if they wanted to they could end you, and you’re so low (because you’re already having a mental health crisis, and the cops should never be there to deal with that to begin with) that you actually wouldn’t care.
But you did get me to chuckle at the end there, though I will admit I was expecting it to be a place to park their bikes lol.
On a more serious note though, this
really sums it up perfectly - there is only so much we can do when there are people out there with the will and power to harm us, the best we can do is try to go on despite that and do our best possible to avoid them.
So far I’m still dodging my evil landlord and the courts that seem to be siding with him, but no new developments, so still no solution as it stands. But I keep taking one day at a time, and trying not to sink in to despair quite just yet.
Lol @ a place to park their bicycle!
Yeah it’s tragic that we are already so vulnerable and then add an affliction that you didn’t bring to yourself nor did God put one in your life. It really gets interesting then for sure and you’re right… it’s enough to really crush mostly anyone and especially if it’s a repeated assault for a long period of time.
In saying that, I feel I managed well enough. I’ve seen people throw their lives away from much less pressures in life. It’s criminal but we wonder why people go on killing sprees and do all kinds of evil. I believe that whoever governs our freedoms in society is to be held responsible ultimately. Hard to live an honest life when every truth you live is offensive to mostly everyone else. No use in having integrity unless you’re a really brave soul. Oh and don’t ever try to love others or show compassion because they’ll think you have a mental illness.
I’ve learned over the years that you can’t trust anyone. Mostly everyone is fake while wearing a smile and acting some good kinda way. Or you have those who just have given up and they deliberately take their hate out on you. Seems to me, everything is backwards from the way it ought to be yanno?
I am happy with your reproach to the situation you are in. You seem like a really awesome person and always remember that your circumstances don’t define you no matter how hurtful it may be. Continue to try to rise above it like you are currently. I’ve really enjoyed our conversations and again, it also is a help to me to be able to be here for you but you help me in other ways too because I’m not really used to people being nice or receptive of me simply because I care about others.
I am in a much better place than I was before and I’m thankful for my new family. My girlfriend and her mom has severe ADHD and that has been interesting many times but I’m slowly helping both of them get a better handle on life for themselves. It takes a lot of love, patience, forgiveness and time. Especially when trying to articulate things and word things properly in the right moment without causing any further harm. But my girlfriend, I’ve been with her for almost 6yrs now and she’s come a long way. She’s figuring it out little by little. We don’t have as many accidents as we used to and she doesn’t respond to me in a hurtful way as she used to.
She almost got me killed once for running her mouth about something that wasn’t even relevant to one of our troublesome neighbors. The guy almost shot us but instead he nearly shot himself. Haven’t seen him since but his girlfriend or wife, whoever she is… she’s a real evil but we’re doing our best to stay out of her way. The police don’t even care about the situation and even tried accusing me. The lady is delusional. But it’s whatever. I’ll leave her be until she provokes a needed response accordingly.
I’m so sick and tired of having to be put in situations like this. Make no mistake, I don’t bother with anyone and mostly every reaction I have with the general public is kind. The world has gone batty though and I ultimately hope God will rip me from this earth. I’m definitely not in agreement with all the Tom foolery going on.
But just like you, I try to keep going and it helps to help still and it’s nice to meet another person on the internet who understands these things and aren’t afraid to speak up. It’s refreshing!