This is about to be some real shit about a failing (failed?) marriage. Get out now if that is not for you.

My wife and I, both in our 40s, have been together for a long time, 20+ years. About 10 years ago our daughter was born and that was pretty good. I was stupid and had an affair during that first year because I was immature and, in retrospect, wasn’t able to handle the shift in my wife’s attention from me to my daughter.

We worked it out. We moved to a bigger house that is paid off. My mom died and left us all some money. Then my wife was diagnosed with MS about 4 years ago and things have been on the decline.

We haven’t had sex in a year and neither of us again expects to. She has been depressed and I don’t know how to help her. We recently, like yesterday, determined in a mutual discussion that we no longer had a romantic relationship, but that we had a good partnership for raising our daughter and generally handling life. While it was good to get an unspoken truth out there, it hurts. I think that we both feel lonely in the aching soul sort of way. Last night, when we went to bed, for first time that I can recall, she didn’t say, “I love you,” and neither did I. My Prozac is working overtime, and she shuts down when I suggest mental health support for her.

So, here’s the question. What now?

  • @machinin
    13•4 months ago

    Love takes many forms. Caring for someone without the expectation of a benefit you want is a form of love. If my wife came down with MS and we could no longer have sex, I would still love her, respect her and admire the mother and life partner that she is. I would also be upset that I couldn’t have sex any more.

    I personally would try to figure out the following, with or without professional help:

    • Why is she depressed? She is going through a lot. She is probably scared you are going to abandon her when she needs someone the most. She may also hate the situation that you are in because of her illness. She is also probably angry at the world that she has to suffer this. She is also probably worried for her child and feels guilty that she can’t give her more. There are so many feelings she has to process, it may be easier to just shut down.
    • If you remove the expectations of sex with her, would you be willing to stay with her as a caring and respectful partner and mother to your child?
    • You might explore non-monogamy. That’s going to be a complicated conversation, but maybe something your wife is willing to explore. Just ensure it takes into consideration all the issues in the first point.

    A good mother and partner is so hard to find. Love can take many forms. Don’t feel limited in your choices if you can make other options work out.