I’m 40 years old, in a crappy job without prospects despite degrees, and I have 0 friends.

I used to have a grand total of 2 friends before Covid, but then we lost contact. I’ve tried to rekindle, but all effort was onesided so I stopped.

I’m a lifelong spineless people pleaser despite lots of therapy, and the ironic thing is that this turns people off of you instead of having them like you.

At this point I don’t see any reasons to continue trying.

If I had one wish in life, it would be to be a stereotypical asshole with actual self esteem - those are the kinds of people who seem to be anle to reach all of their goals and have others worship the ground they walk on.

But as for me, I’m so turned off by other people in general that I would probably be morbidly amused to read, oh I dunno, that Moscow nuked Kiev (or vive versa), that Jerusalem is burning, or that my hometown was wiped away by a hurricane.

Not to be “edgy”. It’s emotionally debilitating, and to be clear I don’t enjoy/wish for human suffering.

I’ve just become as indifferent to it as the world seems to be to me. Simple tit for tat.

I’m tired. Kinda hoped I wouldn’t wake up from my anaesthesia today. Ah well.

  • @HellnikkoEnglish
    6•3 months ago

    Obviously this is in mental health. If you’re self aware of how cynical you are (and believe me, I’ve also been there as I’m also in my 40s), you really should look for avenues of therapy that resonate with you. Someone to talk to could actually hash out some inner feelings and turmoil you might be holding on.

    I am/was a people pleaser also. It’s hard to not be nice when people ask but I also realize if I’m saying yes to someone, I’m saying no to myself or something that might be more important. It’s good to at least weigh the balance that way.

    My final suggestion is a tall order. It may or may not be a popular suggestion here, but I found that stoicism has helped me. I read, watch videos, and listen to podcasts about the ancient Stoics and it helps me deal with feelings and encounters that enhance those feelings. Getting road rage? Take a deep breath and forgive that person who cut you off. Everyone has their demons and misfortune and perhaps they needed it more. But the point is you take and keep control of your feelings and actions and then you’ll pursue peace. Of course shitty things will happen in the world and you don’t want to be callous about them. But once you keep your integrity, authenticity, and pursue wisdom, courage, justice and temperance, everyone will see that and follow suit.

    Good luck, stranger. I’m just an idiot on the Internet but your words pulled on my heartstrings.

    • @KyrgizionOPEnglish
      2•3 months ago

      Thanks for the well wishes. I’m already into stoicism - I read Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations, and some Epictetus, but despite the fact that it all resonates with me, actually bringing it into practice is another thing. I’m still trying though.

      • @HellnikkoEnglish
        2•3 months ago

        If you want some more reading material, check out Ryan Holiday. He’s more modern oriented with stoicism. And of course YouTube or equivalent sources from him.