I’m 40 years old, in a crappy job without prospects despite degrees, and I have 0 friends.
I used to have a grand total of 2 friends before Covid, but then we lost contact. I’ve tried to rekindle, but all effort was onesided so I stopped.
I’m a lifelong spineless people pleaser despite lots of therapy, and the ironic thing is that this turns people off of you instead of having them like you.
At this point I don’t see any reasons to continue trying.
If I had one wish in life, it would be to be a stereotypical asshole with actual self esteem - those are the kinds of people who seem to be anle to reach all of their goals and have others worship the ground they walk on.
But as for me, I’m so turned off by other people in general that I would probably be morbidly amused to read, oh I dunno, that Moscow nuked Kiev (or vive versa), that Jerusalem is burning, or that my hometown was wiped away by a hurricane.
Not to be “edgy”. It’s emotionally debilitating, and to be clear I don’t enjoy/wish for human suffering.
I’ve just become as indifferent to it as the world seems to be to me. Simple tit for tat.
I’m tired. Kinda hoped I wouldn’t wake up from my anaesthesia today. Ah well.
It took courage to post this. Knowing you are fed up and want something different is easy. Getting to the point where you have very little to lose by changing is extremely hard. It’s astonishing how much suffering we’re all willing to put up with.
Everyone is a version of themselves. Right now you are a version of yourself that is not satisfying. Focus on changing one thing. Focus really hard. Maybe start with valuing what you want and think. Say no or break with one person every single day starting tomorrow. Even if it doesn’t help how people respond to you, it will help your self esteem.
I have always been a people pleaser. Drives me crazy. It’s a quality that is good for about two interactions with people until you see diminishing returns. But there are other things I have learned to like about myself and that’s enough to get me by.
Others suggestion of focusing on a hobby is an equally good way to find self esteem and others who share your interests. I wish you the best internet stranger.
Thanks for the kind words. I sort of bit the bullet and signed up for a numismatics club in a neighboring city. I don’t know anyone there at all, but as others have said, I do have to put myself out there for anything to ever change. Well, I’m taking the first step.
That’s great. I know how tough it gets. Life can feel cruel. Focus and talk about the things you like and find interesting. Leave out the things that you dislike and skip the news/social media for 6-months or so.