Edit: A great point made in the comments I want to highlight; while it’s perfectly normal to grieve, it’s also perfectly normal to not grieve. If my points relate to you, look into it a bit more and consider it, but if not - and you don’t connect with it - don’t be forcing yourself into a headspace, we’re all different!
I think this is a very important and not very discussed topic. Dr. Barkley put out a video about this on YouTube a little while back, and I’d already started considering this well before and I was excited to see it backed by his experiences. I think it’s quite important because it can help to make sense of different reactions and feelings and try to gain some clarity.
In short, upon getting diagnosed for ADHD, you very well might (I can’t say likelihood) experience some “stages” of grief (order not a given) - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. These phases can come and go, and come back again, and Dr. Barkley has a going recommendation to practitioners to discuss this as part of their diagnosis, but they often do not.
I’ll just give my own experience here and I highly recommend checking in with yourself / your supports to consider if you might be in this place and needing clarity, and I hope it’s helpful.
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Diagnosis: I was original diagnosed with ADHD as a differential diagnosis, but received no treatment. Things continued getting worse, and eventually a new psychiatrist said it was clearly ADHD and started medication.
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Fake Acceptance 1: I was willing to say I had ADHD, and discuss my symptoms and share experiences. It was all surface level.
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Denial 1: The diagnosis was short; I’d had the differential, but I was surprised how quickly he prescribed me medication. I took the medication, and things were much better (early meds euphoria) but even still, I thought I was probably placeboing. I straight up thought my psychiatrist had prescribed a placebo to placate me just complaining about everyday things.
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Anger 1: No, these meds are helping - and they could have helped me for so long. Tens of thousands of dollars in tuition fees from missed deadlines, rent overpayments, not making reimbursement deadlines, late penalties - decades of deep depression, burnout - when it was so obvious. Why wasn’t I checked out? Why did my first psychiatrist give up on me? Why didn’t my parents ever notice the many signs?
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Denial 2, Bargaining 1: Maybe eventually I can just develop the systems I need to get by, I won’t need meds, or maybe I will, but I’ll be able to be at 100% without ever exhausting myself or anything. Maybe this is just temporary, and I’ll develop the things I need to get through it. Maybe there just wasn’t childhood signs.
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Depression 1: But there were. There were signs, the meds help a lot but they don’t solve everything. It sucks. It’s unfair, I’m tired, I need a break.
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Acceptance 1: After a bit, I started to really feel like I had a disorder, and it was here to stay. Not only that, but the way that I think is fundamentally different from the way most people think, and I will not relate to most people on a deep level because it’s been so core to me. I appreciated those I could connect to deeply, and recognized that things are just going to be harder. Society doesn’t need to change - I mean, it could - but it’s my responsibility, my burden, but that’s okay.
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Denial 3, Bargaining 2: … but, if I just set up my calendar, and set up alarms, and commit to things, we’re good! No issues, I’m sure.
I was just diagnosed a few moths ago in my 40’s and I do not grief the diagnosis itself. Its a relief in many ways.
I feel like you with things I struggled all my life. There is a reason for these problems, a real neurological issue that i might be able to work on. Its not because I’m just a failure as a person.
But I do grief a lot about the past and what could have been. All the times life was just so hard and painful.
I have ADS with hypoactivity, which means that all the energy that make hyperactive kids unable to sit still all goes inwards into selfdoubt and insecurity.
I was so, so suicidal and full of selfhate especially during my teens, but also in phases over the rest of my life. I knew there was something wrong with me and I felt so misunderstood and unloved most of all,i thought I didn’t to be loved and understood… and the thought that all this did not need to be that hard makes me cry almost every day.
I don’t have any advice to give you, only empathy. Been through a lot of the same feelings and thoughts. Don’t give up on yourself. I sometimes think about all the things I would have missed if I had gone through with some of my darker plans.
But then again I never would have had to sit through the last 3 Star Wars movies. Pros and cons.
(Hope a little laugh helps you feel better)
I definitely feel like a big part of what I’ve grieved is the childhood that I never had, moreso than the future I won’t. It was a big relief, and I felt like I could do well and cut myself slack. I’m just trying to do the same with past me; cut myself that slack, give my past self that love and understanding now that I didn’t get then, accept it was a brutal time, and that it was unfair, but that I’ve grown and learned and stopped rejecting that person was me, and we’re doing all right.