Hey there. I am incredibly sad, downright depressed and mentally exhausted.

I wanted to celebrate my birthday yesterday for the first time (maybe ever?) with lots of nice people. I invited about 30-50 people. Some, I invited personally, some just casually through groups. Lots of those people I thought of as somehow close and friendly.

I exhausted myself in the effort of preparing the party, I rented a room, I prepared photos, activities, food, music, and just put a lot of mental energy into the planning. I have been planning it for about 2 months, invited those who were most important to me back then even.

5 people showed up.

I am devastated. I was always so anxious about my birthday and never celebrated it. I think I removed myself from groups a lot in my life. And only the last two years, I’ve started to understand my diagnosis and how to communicate with people. This throws all my anxiety and pain back into my body and brain.

I don’t know how to deal with it. Especially I don’t know how to interact with the people that were important to me and who didn’t show (or those who didn’t even cancel). My past behaviour was burning down all the bridges. I don’t think I should do that. But I also don’t know how to pretend like it doesn’t hurt…

Any advice about rejection anxiety and … well, real rejection?

Thank you.

  • @200okEnglish
    36•2 months ago

    Anecdotally:

    There’s an epidemic of post-pandemic burn out and depression. It’s not just the pandemic, it’s the endless layoffs, the world is in a state of political unrest, the list goes on.

    It’s hard to decline and invite with that “excuse”, so many people accept.

    Attending a happy, social event where they will have to mask their emotions feels like an impossible mountain to climb.

    It’s a painful experience to be on the receiving end of this equation and I’m sorry it’s happening to you. I’m hoping this is just a reminder that it’s likely not personal, even though it very much feels that way.

    • @MightyOPEnglish
      14•2 months ago

      Thanks for that anecdote. I think I get it. I get a lot of the reasons not to come. Now I’m more open with my neurodivergence, I am more surrounded by people who deal with similar stuff. But that also means that they don’t come. I had two or three people cancel yesterday saying they don’t have energy to be amongst many people. This felt so awkward, seeing as there weren’t any…

      I think I can see how it’s “not personal” on one hand, but still I can see that I’m not a priority for anyone