Hey there. I am incredibly sad, downright depressed and mentally exhausted.

I wanted to celebrate my birthday yesterday for the first time (maybe ever?) with lots of nice people. I invited about 30-50 people. Some, I invited personally, some just casually through groups. Lots of those people I thought of as somehow close and friendly.

I exhausted myself in the effort of preparing the party, I rented a room, I prepared photos, activities, food, music, and just put a lot of mental energy into the planning. I have been planning it for about 2 months, invited those who were most important to me back then even.

5 people showed up.

I am devastated. I was always so anxious about my birthday and never celebrated it. I think I removed myself from groups a lot in my life. And only the last two years, I’ve started to understand my diagnosis and how to communicate with people. This throws all my anxiety and pain back into my body and brain.

I don’t know how to deal with it. Especially I don’t know how to interact with the people that were important to me and who didn’t show (or those who didn’t even cancel). My past behaviour was burning down all the bridges. I don’t think I should do that. But I also don’t know how to pretend like it doesn’t hurt…

Any advice about rejection anxiety and … well, real rejection?

Thank you.

  • @KyrgizionEnglish
    5•2 months ago

    I never organized any parties in my entire life because I know for a fact this would happen to me.

    As for advice? Well, don’t organize any more parties. People like us are just the npc’s in “real”(neurotypical) people’s lives. I tried to fight this notion for years but it’s honestly much less painful to just accept it and move on.

    Do we “deserve” this? Fuck no, but infants dying from hunger don’t deserve that either and they still end up stone cold dead. Radical acceptance > futilely fighting against an enemy we can never defeat.

    • @MightyOPEnglish
      5•2 months ago

      I’m sorry you feel that way. I feel that way now, too.

      But I fear that living like you suggested would just lead to me being all by myself for the rest of my life, which I shouldn’t do, because that wouldn’t be long. I know I get so much sense out of my life by being in communities and being in exchange with other people. It’s the one thing that always seems to make me grow and feel things.

      I don’t want to think that friendship or communion is an “enemy” that I need to defeat. I just need to learn how to deal with people