I just got back from two days at a giant conference. Every year I go, and my dream is to join in the community that it is a part of, and every year I come back, having talked to no one at all.
I can plan things to say, and then just shut down when the opportunity comes. I can also plan too far and figure that I won’t have anything more to say after the initial contact, so why bother?
I’ve read various books on social anxiety and the old “How to win friends”, but I just don’t feel like they’re helpful. Does anyone know of any resources that take autism and selective mutism into consideration?
I think there’s a point where over researching overtakes usefulness and just feeds anxiety because it leans into social hyper awareness and every autistic cell screaming at you to Perform Friendliness.
A total life changer for me was focusing more on how I feel in every moment and then deploying meaningless small talk at 100% masked friendliness (this is at a 1 sentence fragment per 10-30min interval) if I feel like I have the energy to perform. Strategically, I make sure to be extra bubbly and say things like, “Everyone here is so brilliant! Do you all have a group chat to share things outside of the conference every year? How does everyone stay in touch?” Anything aimed at gaining points of contact without spending more immediate social energy.
The crucial part is — when I no longer feel ok, be it energy, anxiety, self doubt, etc — I make a friendly exit. Just a, “Great meeting you all!” And commit to the exit. A goodbye is weirdly a big deal for the best groundwork for future encounters. And, I can go home mostly ok and can more likely shake off any anxiety or latent disappointment without an extended recovery period.