The love of my life died when she was 38. Our four children were 15, 13, 11 and 9 at the time. They’re currently 22, 24, 26, 28. I did my best that I knew how to do. I know it is not what they deserved. I could never take her place.
I do not think that I can impart, with words, how hard it was keeping her from the things that would harm her most. Aa time goes on, the trauma hits me harder, as I let it in, little by little.
I love my late wife. I love the mother of my children. Keeping her from hurting herself was… Difficult.
The wracking sobs as I called 911, while performing CPR on her. It’s been almost 15 years and it’s still traumatizing.
Her mother blames me for her death. To be honest. She might be right. I didn’t keep her baby safe. I could have tried harder. I could have insisted on her being committed. I could have abrogated her right to self determination. But I didn’t. And that’s on me.
But I can’t tell her mother that. Or her sons or daughter.
Instead. I tell you. Thanks for listening.
I have lived with close family members with severe mental health issues all my life.
It is hard to accept you cannot change people, you cannot save them from themselves. Even if you know what is right for them, you can’t force them to change or get better. Only they can decide to tackle their mental health issues. All you can do is support them and help them do that.
So no, your partner’s suicide is not your fault. It was a choice she made, even if her mind was darkened and ill. It is not your fault and it is not something you can second guess.
It is pointless second guessing what might have been if you had done x or y. You and your partner were living your lives as you felt best in the moment. You were not her health professional or her social worker, you were her husband. It is an impossible position for you to be in to decide whether she should be committed etc.
Your mother-in-law is wrong to blame you and you are wrong to blame yourself.
You should seek counselling to deal with these feelinga - the feelings of guilt and also the flash backs to the traumatic end.
Mental illness takes a heavy toll not just on their person who is ill, but on all those around them. That includes you. Please seek counselling or therapy. Talking about this with someone who can help you through can be enormously beneificial to healing. It doesn’t matter that it’s been 15 years. There is always today to change your life for the better, to make tomorrow and the days after better.
Your wife did not chose the path of healing for whatever reason, and you could not make her do that. But your mental health and your life is in your hands. So do the thing you could not make her do - seek the help you need to heal. Stop suffering in silence.