My relationship with money is kinda weird. When I was a kid I would always save my allowance, but my siblings would steal it from me. My parents never did anything about it. When I had finally had enough, I stole some money back and then said all the bullshit excuses I had received over the years. The stealing stopped then.

I don’t like money and I don’t care much about material stuff. When I was in university, I was dirt poor, but I managed. Then I got a shitty job and didn’t make a lot of money, but it was so much more than what I had before, that my bank account started to grow. And that made me very nervous. Every time I saw my balance I panicked. I didn’t know what to do with all that money, there was nothing I really wanted or thought I could have. I did go on a vacation then, which was great, but I felt really guilty afterwards about the expenses I’d made.

After some time I lost my job and since then I’ve received benefits. Because of the system here and because I’m still quite frugal, I still have a significant back account. In a few months’ time I will hear if I will keep receiving benefits or not, and if I spend the money now, it will be beneficial for me financially. I should basically buy something expensive and eat out and buy lots of clothes before the government takes my money, but I can’t. I’m just not able to.

What doesn’t help is that I hate the fact that the world is in such a miserable state. Sure, I could buy a car, but I don’t need it and why would I mess up the environment even more just for my own pleasure and comfort? The same goes for clothing, equipment, furniture, anything. I don’t like this capitalist system that produces crap and ruins the planet. I don’t want it. But there’s nothing I can do about it other than what I already do. Also, most of the stuff you can buy nowadays is just plastic crap. I can’t even find decent cotton socks anymore, it’s all plastic. And it all breaks way too quickly, just so you have to buy new plastic crap again. Fuck that.