It’s been a year, and me (39M) and my wife (36F) have been intimate twice, separated by nearly six months apart.

I know our relationship has had issues, with financial stress and financial infidelity (5+ years ago, I withheld how bad our cash flow was, using debt to maintain our lifestyle). She has been stressed at her job of 3 years, and now she’s gotten a job that strictly is 8:30-5:30, with no carryover into her personal life.

She can’t let go of the pain I caused her. She feels she hasn’t had time to do so since she started working 5 years ago to help gain a foothold on finances.

This carries over to the bedroom. She has always had a lower libido, but it’s straight turned off. I don’t know how someone in a relationship can possibly handle that long (6+ months) without masturbation or intercourse.

At this point, it’s a huge pain point for us. She knows I desperately want to connect physically, but it feels like the path to her healing is a chicken or the egg dynamic. However, sex is unilaterally off if I’m trying to initiate.

Since I’m batting well below the Mendoza line, I told her I’ve had enough and I’m not pursuing her in bed going forward. The straw was my birthday. I spent the entire day trying to take her on a date and be romantic…not even a kiss or hug.

I just feel like I’m dying inside. I’m literally giving it six months or I’m filing for divorce. That will be her birthday present if we can’t find common ground. I would rather live in a shack, mired in debt and alone, seeing our four kids every now and then, then be this fucking miserable every night.

How the fuck do people cope with this?

  • EpheraEnglish
    5•1 month ago

    It feels like you’re trying to push for the romance thing when she’s still caught up in real-world issues. And like you need to work on the real-world issues first.

    This might be difficult, when she doesn’t even want to go on a date, but presumably you need to frame it differently.

    In particular, this:

    She can’t let go of the pain I caused her. She feels she hasn’t had time to do so since she started working 5 years ago to help gain a foothold on finances.

    …just sounds like she hasn’t forgiven you. Maybe she’s trying to forgive you, but can’t get over the trust issues. I really don’t feel like more time will kit this over. You need to talk about it. You need to show that you’ve learned the right lesson.

    I do assume, you’ve talked about it already, but maybe you’ve only scratched the surface. Or you didn’t convince her.
    If the situation is that dire, then getting counseling or even just a friend to come over and force you to talk about it, might be very necessary.