BPD took a decade from me too. Been healing for a few years. Was able to protect my kid. Lmk if you need an ear from someone who understands. I’m the guy who all my mom friends introduce to their other dad friends who are going through breakups with mental illness. It’s a thing 🤷 You’re not alone.
I appreciate that, it’s been a pretty long time ago at this point, though the breakup did really fuck my perspective of time all up.
Since you and I can probably relate on a lot of things, I’ll share a bit with you.
I definitely could have caught her cheating years earlier if I had looked, but I didn’t. I believed two things that kept me from looking. One, she was crazy about me. Two, she had a right to privacy.
If she hadn’t just been blatant about it and so comfortable lying, I might never have known and could have ended up with an sti, which she ultimately did end up with but fortunately for her it was curable. I didn’t, thank goodness. That didn’t stop her from going around telling people I gave it to her and praying that I had slept with her behind my girlfriend’s back. She really believed I started seeing my girlfriend before I left her, so I believe that she hoped we’d both have it so she’d leave me. It was nuts.
Once I caught her, I thought I could work it out, forgive her, and move on. It just opened the flood gates though. It was like I had permitted her to do whatever she wanted to do by forgiving her. She went around telling everyone that I beat her and kept her as a prisoner for all of those years. She’d disappear for days at a time leaving me and our daughter to worry about her. The first time, I didn’t panic until it was clear something was wrong and she was out beyond her normal time, so I probably traumatized our kid by driving around looking for her that night. I didn’t do that again, but our daughter was still terrified any time she didn’t come home.
When I finally left and started seeing someone seriously, that’s when shit got really, really dangerous. She started being abusive to our daughter, but because her family pulled the legal kidnapping, I had to work with her to get her back. After that, things seemed to calm down and she never did anything that would cause a court to take her away. She just constantly bombarded our kid telling her how terrible I was, how much she hated my girlfriend.
For a few years after we split she’d randomly message me and apologize for things. I’d respond, but something I’d say would spark her to attack me again. Once she got her cancer diagnosis though, holy shit.
I didn’t realize the extent of it until she died and our child came to live with me. I mean, I knew it got bad, but the girl was laying there dying a miserable death and that really complicated things.
The last conversation I ever had with her was an argument. She called our daughter a skank and I snapped. Fortunately her husband was listening in on the conversation and when I said to him, “Please, listen to me! I’m her ex. Nothing I say will ever get to her. You have to tell her that it’s not right and it has to stop. She can’t call her kid names.” He told her that it needed to stop. She actually did stop, spent the next two weeks watching movies with her and spending time with her, but that was all the time she had. I wish I had said something sooner.
I have my daughter in therapy these days. The kid has been through it. She doesn’t miss her mom, and I wish that she could have known the person I used to know. If I so much as compare her in a positive way, I end up causing her a lot of stress so I just don’t do it.
I hope that someday she can come to terms with who her mother was and get past it all.
It was a wild ride.
I’d happily read some of your story as well.
Sorry if this is a mess. I have a 4 year old making me stop typing to watch her do silly things. I can’t even proofread it, but it’s fun watching her. :p
BPD took a decade from me too. Been healing for a few years. Was able to protect my kid. Lmk if you need an ear from someone who understands. I’m the guy who all my mom friends introduce to their other dad friends who are going through breakups with mental illness. It’s a thing 🤷 You’re not alone.
I appreciate that, it’s been a pretty long time ago at this point, though the breakup did really fuck my perspective of time all up.
Since you and I can probably relate on a lot of things, I’ll share a bit with you.
I definitely could have caught her cheating years earlier if I had looked, but I didn’t. I believed two things that kept me from looking. One, she was crazy about me. Two, she had a right to privacy.
If she hadn’t just been blatant about it and so comfortable lying, I might never have known and could have ended up with an sti, which she ultimately did end up with but fortunately for her it was curable. I didn’t, thank goodness. That didn’t stop her from going around telling people I gave it to her and praying that I had slept with her behind my girlfriend’s back. She really believed I started seeing my girlfriend before I left her, so I believe that she hoped we’d both have it so she’d leave me. It was nuts.
Once I caught her, I thought I could work it out, forgive her, and move on. It just opened the flood gates though. It was like I had permitted her to do whatever she wanted to do by forgiving her. She went around telling everyone that I beat her and kept her as a prisoner for all of those years. She’d disappear for days at a time leaving me and our daughter to worry about her. The first time, I didn’t panic until it was clear something was wrong and she was out beyond her normal time, so I probably traumatized our kid by driving around looking for her that night. I didn’t do that again, but our daughter was still terrified any time she didn’t come home.
When I finally left and started seeing someone seriously, that’s when shit got really, really dangerous. She started being abusive to our daughter, but because her family pulled the legal kidnapping, I had to work with her to get her back. After that, things seemed to calm down and she never did anything that would cause a court to take her away. She just constantly bombarded our kid telling her how terrible I was, how much she hated my girlfriend.
For a few years after we split she’d randomly message me and apologize for things. I’d respond, but something I’d say would spark her to attack me again. Once she got her cancer diagnosis though, holy shit.
I didn’t realize the extent of it until she died and our child came to live with me. I mean, I knew it got bad, but the girl was laying there dying a miserable death and that really complicated things.
The last conversation I ever had with her was an argument. She called our daughter a skank and I snapped. Fortunately her husband was listening in on the conversation and when I said to him, “Please, listen to me! I’m her ex. Nothing I say will ever get to her. You have to tell her that it’s not right and it has to stop. She can’t call her kid names.” He told her that it needed to stop. She actually did stop, spent the next two weeks watching movies with her and spending time with her, but that was all the time she had. I wish I had said something sooner.
I have my daughter in therapy these days. The kid has been through it. She doesn’t miss her mom, and I wish that she could have known the person I used to know. If I so much as compare her in a positive way, I end up causing her a lot of stress so I just don’t do it.
I hope that someday she can come to terms with who her mother was and get past it all.
It was a wild ride.
I’d happily read some of your story as well.
Sorry if this is a mess. I have a 4 year old making me stop typing to watch her do silly things. I can’t even proofread it, but it’s fun watching her. :p
Take care.