I can’t just get rid of the other one since I’ve become so attached to her. We’ve been through all my suffering at the same time. But she’s everything I’m not, that I wish I could have been: white, tall, masculine, creative, talented, and unattractive. I envy that someone like her doesn’t have weed addicts and random people begging for her number. Anyone who would be her friend would actually like her for who she is and not her appearance or some shallow reason.

I would bring her creations to life as they are pretty cool and could probably make a lot of money but I can’t be a “talented black person” again. I’d rather drink piss out of a Colored Only fountain than be “black excellence” all over again. Every hobby I did was “excellence” and I had to be filmed and displayed like a circus animal for something no one would care if a white person did.

So I feel conflicted, having actually created stuff despite the past, and being this gross alien thing whose work is So Special. There’s no way I’d escape that crap. If I pretend to be white, someone would find out and expose me, and everything I created would be popular because a black woman made it. All criticism is dismissed and censored because it’s racist white boys angry a black woman exists. Everything will be 5 stars and 10/10, and my games would be game of the year, solely because I’m a black woman and not a random normal game developer.

I would hate to die before having the chance to share her creations with the world but I can’t be a black person who made something. I can’t go through it again. And even if I ignored it, I’d still be letting her down by having her fandom only exist to infantilize a black person so they don’t look racist.

  • wkkEnglish
    7•26 days ago

    It sounds like your entourage is causing you suffering, it might be beneficial to distance yourself from them to some extent.

    You don’t need to share your hobbies and endeavors with said people, just do your thing and publish them using an anonymous persona online.

    For example we would never have known that you were a person of color if it weren’t for the fact that you mentioned it in this post.

    If disconnecting your creations from yourself is the key to saving your sanity, then you should already have the means to do so:

    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pen_name

    A pen name may be used to make the author’s name more distinctive, to disguise the author’s gender, to distance the author from their other works, to protect the author from retribution for their writings, to merge multiple persons into a single identifiable author, or for any of several reasons related to the marketing or aesthetic presentation of the work.

    • Like the wind...OPEnglish
      1•26 days ago

      Yeah but eventually my skin color will be revealed, as well as that ugly stupid birth name. Then a stupid misdiagnosis I’ve been running away from for years will resurface and then that stupid disorder will be credited for making everything I created. I’ll just convince myself nobody cares and it’s stupid, and let it all go to the grave with me next month. It’s not worth it. I’ll never be human. I give up on fighting for humanity I’ll never get.