Hey all

I want to write down some of my feelings as of recently. This post may be a bit messy and badly formatted, I apologize. Let me first introduce myself: I am a 20yo man in Canada. I recently this year got my first “career” (programming) job with a very nice team. I am very introverted and have always been. I also have a second job on one day of the weekends because I truly love it and it makes me get out of my home, it’s a very fun place to work at and the customers and colleagues are awesome people. I was in school during the pandemic (I was 16 at the time of the lockdowns) and during that time I just spent all day on YouTube or Reddit or whatever. Did nothing productive. Because of this I’ve never had a girlfriend or good memories of my last high school years.

Fast forward 4 (5) years and I seem to have kept this attitude of laziness. I feel like I wasted so much of my teenage years and that I’ve missed out on so much stuff. That combined with my programming job keeping me in front of a screen all day makes me so fucking sad. Especially because most of the time I work remotely. Feels like shit when you’re done with your day and the only thing that you want to do is to scroll instagram or Lemmy or YouTube.

I know part of the reason that I feel this way is because it’s November and the winter is coming and fuck the winter. The night starts at 4PM. During the summer at least after my day was done, I would go out on a walk for 1h with my camera and take pictures od stuff I found interesting. Now I can’t do that because the sun sets before I’m even done with my day.

It just feels like I don’t have a purpose/objective in life. I don’t have any non-material objectives. And also I don’t want any material objectives because this means this will push me into a grind mindset that will keep me inside even more.

I have very little good friends, and I can’t say I’m really close to them yet. I am trying to separate from my high school friend group who turned ultra méga Maga trumpists recently. Last week I went to a rave with very nice people and mutual friends that I felt a connection with, but it feels like those people will be rave-friends that I don’t see outside of these specific events. I think I am that “secondary” friend, I am not anyone’s best friend nor do I have a best friend. The worst part of seeing people irl at events for me is the crash after I go back home. It feels even worse to be alone after having an good time with people. I also feel like I have trouble finding people like me.

Maybe I lack some social clues or intuition to get closer to people. I don’t get invited when something is in planning a part from my family. Maybe if I get closer to the new-ish people that I was with at the rave they will start to consider me more, but I have no clue how. They are great people but there is not much that we can relate with, they are more in art fields and I am more tech oriented. But also I don’t want to be friends with people who only are obsessed with tech because those people are also like me and don’t go outside. And I also don’t want to seem like that one obsessive person that doesn’t let you go. I dont have many people that I talk with so sometimes for me it feels like I may be trying to reach to them too much and I may be bothering them.

My week programming job, I like it, and I like the people I work with. But I just can’t feel like I enjoy doing it. I really can’t see myself sustaining 45 more years of this every single day. It’s rare that after I close the lid of my work computer that I feel happy about my day. It happens but it’s rare. I dont feel motivated to do stuff that I like. I don’t even really enjoy programming anymore. Before I used to always be coding something or playing with my server but now I don’t want to after spending my day doing exactly that but for making someone else rich. I am starting to think that working in my passion field might have been a very bad idea because I have lost one of my biggest interest points.

I don’t know what to do. Maybe I could consult to get formal mental help, but I would rather try things on my own first. I don’t think I am in a “true” depression because I actually do stuff and want to do stuff. I don’t have dark thoughts or anything. It’s more that I am not happy with the state of my life currently. I am not sad, but also I am not happy either.

Sorry again if my text is a bit badly worded, English isn’t my main language and it’s late Thank you for reading this