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  • @[email protected]English
    13•19 days ago

    currently in a hotel, hours away from my scheduled orchiectomy

    mostly feeling a mix of anxiety that I have deluded myself into this, that I’m about to commit to a mistake, and joy at the thought of not having testes anymore - all the ways I will finally be able to sit and walk and not feel discomfort, the freedom from that nauseating and disgusting feeling when they slap against my thigh, and of course a guarantee that the spectre of testosterone will never haunt my body again

          • @[email protected]English
            6•18 days ago

            thank you!! 🥰

            I was unexpectedly emotional afterwards, I think having testes to be removed and being a trans patient to medical staff really made me feel like I’ll never, ever be a woman. 😞

            That said, the absence I feel where the testes used to be is surprisingly euphoric. Before the operation I wasn’t sure how I felt about the whole idea of “absence” there or whether that would be affirming or euphoric for me, but I knew it would be much more practical for outfits and tucking, etc. I can’t stop feeling happy every time I feel that absence.

            • @[email protected]English
              5•18 days ago

              Thanks for sharing! Don’t know yet whether I’ll go for orchi first or straight to SRS, but it’s good to hear about your experience. Hope the recovery is smooth.

              • @[email protected]English
                4•18 days ago

                I think straight to SRS is the more common path (at least with people I know IRL), and that makes sense for lots of reasons.

                Orchi before SRS made sense for me for a few reasons:

                • my SRS surgeon could do the orchi for me, it was convenient and lined up easily (as opposed to being a completely separate surgeon that I would have to coordinate with my SRS surgeon)
                • I had never found a fully perfect way to adequately suppress my testosterone without getting a bit moody from too much estrogen on monotherapy and anti-androgens didn’t work well for me (bicalutamide never seemed to help my biochemical dysphoria, maybe because it doesn’t act much on the central nervous system, like the brain), it was hard to balance my hormones and I seemed to be so sensitive to the testosterone that even a small amount led to things like having days of depressive symptoms, making my life a bit unpredictable and my mood unreliable - so an orchi would essentially guarantee mood stability and better executive functioning, which I reasoned would help me plan and make SRS happen successfully (as well as everything else in my life)
                • I felt 100% certain I wanted an orchi when I socially transitioned, there was no (legitimate / actual) doubt in my mind that it was right for me, and I’ve dreamed even of being a eunuch since I was a teenager before I realized I might be trans; when I first socially transitioned I thought I might not even get SRS at all, it was really unclear to me at the time (though now I feel certain I want / need a vaginoplasty).
                • because of the U.S. elections and because I live in one of the most transphobic states in the U.S., it’s unclear what will happen after January, but getting my orchi in before the change in power in the U.S. meant it would be much harder to force me to detransition - not having testes gives me a sense of security in an unstable political climate
                • orchi is out-patient, relatively easy, low complication, requires no hair removal, and so much cheaper than SRS so it is much easier to achieve with life-long guarantee of female levels of testosterone, improved estrogenization, and no need to take anti-androgens

                Some of these are fairly personal reasons, so I don’t think it’s an obvious choice or anything. I also found talking through orchi vs SRS with my therapist fairly effective, she hit me with a question that clarified things for me: “How would I feel living the rest of my life with male genitals?” I realized that would be horrible for me, I want to be a woman in every way, and male genitals definitely make me feel like an imposter. Of course genitals don’t make the gender or anything, but I realized I felt a certain way and that in conjunction with lots of other evidence, SRS increasingly made sense for me.

                • @[email protected]English
                  5•18 days ago

                  Sounds like you made the right choice there 👍 I definitely understand all the reasons to want them gone.

                  Finally got around to getting a blood test today, so we’ll see if my levels are actually OK or it’s all in my head :3

                  • @[email protected]English
                    4•18 days ago

                    oo, exciting - it’s obviously not all in your head, lol

                    I love every update you provide, it’s so exciting to watch someone go through a lot of the same moments as I just went through in early transition, there is so much unexpected joy 🥰

                    Wishing you luck in your own path, too - whether you want orchi or SRS and so on, I hope you are able to get the support you need and that it is a joyful process for you as well 🤗

    • @[email protected]English
      2•16 days ago

      Oooh, i bet just not feeling them there feels wonderful. Cant say I’ve experienced them slapping before (thunderous thighs and calves, they don’t move far) but the constant presence is… frustrating and uncomfortable

      • @[email protected]English
        2•16 days ago

        It’s not that common that they slapped, usually only certain movements would cause that; estrogen also helped bring them closer to the body and that was less common then.

        The absence of them has felt much, much better than I would have ever expected. Just sitting and feeling my thighs touch more creates waves of euphoria.