Fuck. Was I always supposed to be able to get to sleep inside of ten minutes? What do you mean my attention is supposed to be like a searchlight that follows my eyes, and I’m not supposed to look through things? Why are all these objects in a pile distinct entities? I thought I had to use the ‘search’ function to return random loot from the pile? Why aren’t these random background noises filling me with a steady, seething rage?
I finally got strong enough to tolerate stimulants about five years ago. The new capabilities are still amazing to me. In fact my life has steadily improved in almost every way.
The big challenge has been to learn to trust my new super powers. This is me, this is who I really am!
For me the ‘searchlight’ feeling has remained and has become the norm. I was able to go through EMDR a couple of years ago and the feeling of personal efficacy increased even more.
The only problem is that I now see how utterly shitty our society is. But I am also strong enough to keep carving out my own alternate path.
When the truth is found to be lies, and all of the joy within you dies, what then?
Luckily, I saw how shitty our society is long ago.
Go make your own joy, with blackjack, and hookers!