Not technically a behavior, but - having hurt feelings over other people expressing their negative opinion about myself.
Like, say someone tells me I look bad of that I acted badly or whatever. I see three options:
They’re right, so it’s a good thing they told me.
They’re mistaken, so it doesn’t really matter (though the fact some people might think that way is still valid information)
They’re being mean, in which case I don’t really care about what they say.
I guess it’s some defense mechanism? I can see how that would work with people prone to narcissism, but having ones feeling hurt over things like that seems normalized in (most?) societies.
Oh, also religion. People believe in an all powerful being that personally cares about every person in the world, but is unwilling to reveal itself? Despite having zero corroborating evidence? And he’s responsible for every good thing that happens to me therefore I should see that as proof it exists and believe more, but if something bad happens that’s because I didn’t believe hard enough and should therefore believe more? And you’re sure about that and don’t see how that might be purely because this answers a psychological and social need? I understand I’m exaggerating a bit, and no offense to religious people, but… I don’t get it.
I see where you’re coming from and understand why some don’t get it, but it’s the third one. People are very mean, including me, and especially when they are anonymous or feel they’ll get away with it.
The first two - they’re giving constructive criticism, or they’re plain wrong - assume the person is not coming from a mean place. I wonder if you’re neurodiverse or a very experienced meditator or something if you can really always shrug off a nasty remark intended to hurt.
I’m neurodiverse and took a lot of throwaway hurtful comments to heart as a kid, not because I couldn’t tell they were trying to he hurtful, but because I believed there had to be some truth or insight into what they said. When I developed more self-respect I got fewer such remarks when I appeared visibly furious, or gave the same back in return. But I still take hurtful remarks - intentional or not - to heart by nature.
Point being, not everyone has as thick as skin as you, and hurtful remarks do indeed hurt many/most people no matter how much we talk about the relative damaged done by sticks and stones vs names. Hurtful intentions can convey hurt to most generally empathetic people I think. Appreciate any other views as I’m just trying to address this one as I see it. Peace
It’s not just the third one. A non-marginal minority of people will be hurt by valid criticism even if it meant to to help them (I’m saying this as a third party observer. This isn’t me telling someone “Hey, you’re an idiot. Whoa, why are you acting offended? I’m just trying to help you be less of an idiot! Wow, some people can’t take constructive criticism”).
I know I’m at the low end of caring what people think about me, and that other people will get offended by some things. That’s fine, not saying they’re wrong to feel one way or another. I just can’t empathize or model the mechanism that makes them feel that way.
That’s true, I was oversimplifying by focusing on the third but the same applies whether remarks are intended to hurt, be neutral, or explicitly to help - point is people often assume it’s the first or respond as if it is. Some people can shrug it off but I can’t.
Not technically a behavior, but - having hurt feelings over other people expressing their negative opinion about myself.
Like, say someone tells me I look bad of that I acted badly or whatever. I see three options:
I guess it’s some defense mechanism? I can see how that would work with people prone to narcissism, but having ones feeling hurt over things like that seems normalized in (most?) societies.
Oh, also religion. People believe in an all powerful being that personally cares about every person in the world, but is unwilling to reveal itself? Despite having zero corroborating evidence? And he’s responsible for every good thing that happens to me therefore I should see that as proof it exists and believe more, but if something bad happens that’s because I didn’t believe hard enough and should therefore believe more? And you’re sure about that and don’t see how that might be purely because this answers a psychological and social need? I understand I’m exaggerating a bit, and no offense to religious people, but… I don’t get it.
I see where you’re coming from and understand why some don’t get it, but it’s the third one. People are very mean, including me, and especially when they are anonymous or feel they’ll get away with it.
The first two - they’re giving constructive criticism, or they’re plain wrong - assume the person is not coming from a mean place. I wonder if you’re neurodiverse or a very experienced meditator or something if you can really always shrug off a nasty remark intended to hurt.
I’m neurodiverse and took a lot of throwaway hurtful comments to heart as a kid, not because I couldn’t tell they were trying to he hurtful, but because I believed there had to be some truth or insight into what they said. When I developed more self-respect I got fewer such remarks when I appeared visibly furious, or gave the same back in return. But I still take hurtful remarks - intentional or not - to heart by nature.
Point being, not everyone has as thick as skin as you, and hurtful remarks do indeed hurt many/most people no matter how much we talk about the relative damaged done by sticks and stones vs names. Hurtful intentions can convey hurt to most generally empathetic people I think. Appreciate any other views as I’m just trying to address this one as I see it. Peace
It’s not just the third one. A non-marginal minority of people will be hurt by valid criticism even if it meant to to help them (I’m saying this as a third party observer. This isn’t me telling someone “Hey, you’re an idiot. Whoa, why are you acting offended? I’m just trying to help you be less of an idiot! Wow, some people can’t take constructive criticism”).
I know I’m at the low end of caring what people think about me, and that other people will get offended by some things. That’s fine, not saying they’re wrong to feel one way or another. I just can’t empathize or model the mechanism that makes them feel that way.
That’s true, I was oversimplifying by focusing on the third but the same applies whether remarks are intended to hurt, be neutral, or explicitly to help - point is people often assume it’s the first or respond as if it is. Some people can shrug it off but I can’t.
Points 2 and 3 are all well and good right up until that person is in a position of power over you.