I find myself alone now. Most of my family’s dead, the ones who’re alive are not the kind of people with whom I’d associate, my friends have turned out to be fool’s gold, so all I have are my thoughts.

And I’ve realised that everyone I’ve ever met, except for two therapists, has tried to change me.

My family did their best to raise me as a soulless tool, existing solely for performance and to bolster my family’s public image - I have been their greatest failure.

My friends have tried to shape me into what they wanted me to be, either a heartless dick, a thoughtless prick, or just a door mat. To them, I either feel too much, think too much, or just hold the wrong beliefs.

My exes have never tried to get to know the real me, not a single one. My latest ex started trying to change how I dress and see the world not even three months into dating.

And now I just can’t bring myself to trust anyone. Every attempt at being open and vulnerable with people has ended up with them dragging mud all across my soul. I am terrified of people. I am terrified of even trying. And I’m terrified of this deep yearning for connection which has become a constant ache in my chest, because I’ve been around for thirty fucking years and I’m as alone as I’ve ever been.