seeking advice
Me (26/F) and my husband (33/M) has been married for 3.5 years and we both work from home. he is a programmer and for the last 5 months I began to learn create some things he need for his game that he’s creating (which he asked and encouraged me to do) so I’ve been experiencing some grate changes (I never did anything with technology I was a writer and a literature nerd before). we shared everything from the beginning and I need to mention he always made much more money than me and even now we are living on his savings which are good. and I always do the cooking and cleaning and laundry and feeding our dog and basically everything around the house.
The problem began when once several months ago when I asked him if he can make his own coffee just once, he argued that he is the one working and trying to make money (I was unemployed at that time) so I should have some responsibility and do the things in the house and I wasn’t doing enough (our dog shed a lot and I didn’t have the time to vacuum yet and didn’t make coffee). I didn’t say anything and agreed that since i’m not doing anything else i would take care of the house. but i’m not always so clean and although i prepare every meal on time but my kitchen sometimes gets messy but the mess wouldn’t stay more than 1/2 days. since then we had this conversation a few other times that the house isn’t always clean enough and I acknowledged I’m a little messy and I’ll try better.
So since I began to learn and create the things he asked in my computer, I had less time to clean the house, also i need to mention I’m not very fast in this new area and my work goes on a little slow. two days ago he was going out for a swim in the pool and at last minute he turned back and said to me: “I wish my wife would surprise me with a cleaned vacuumed floor when I come back” and without any thought I answered: “well you never surprise me with a clean floor when i come home, and i’m doing stuffs too” . he got angry and said “you don’t do anything and left. when he came back he didn’t talk or answer me and angrily went vacuuming and then throw the vacuum with great anger that I thought it’s definitely broken. then I went to bed and didn’t eat for one day, he didn’t even checked if i was alive, not until after he heard me vomiting (i have stomach problem and it happened cause i didn’t eat) and then he called my mom and said: " she (me) is not feeling well can you bring us some food?!” when i asked him in the middle of my pain that tell her not to come and she’ll get nervous seeing me like this he answered:" I want her to come because i didn’t eat from last night at least somebody will cook for me." (he had dinner and launch and was lying to punish me for not cooking). anyway my mom came and i got better and that night passed… I gave him every meal on time yesterday and today and we are not talking at all, not a single word from that night, i just give him food and he eats and he’s not even working anymore, just watching TV with frowning all the time.
I feel so invalid and I wanted to ask is it true that the one who don’t have a job has to do everything in the house alone and say nothing? is he right to demand everything without any help just because we live with his money? I’m confused and I need straightforward frank answers. I feel my emotions has been disvalued in many ways in the last couple of years. I need to know what to do to make things ok, thanks for bear reading this.
PS I think my post isn’t shown, let me know
My wife has a lot of medical issues and so I am the sole provider. She has difficulty doing anything except laying down for over a certain amount of time. It varies depending on activity but basically if its under an hour and she can have about an hour to rest it off she could go again. If its multiple hours she might pretty much be out for test of day or have to keep it to 10 mins here or there. Over a certain amount of hours and she will be recovering for days. She does as much as she can and often makes food (which is great because im not good with cooking or really anything else that is spontaneously creative) and vaccums and does most shopping, and now deals with health insurance denials (I have done that and most everything related to finances so like bills and taxes and such and I still handle all the billing aspects but we sort share with the denials now. man if I lived in a first world country we would not be nearly as stressed). She is also trying to declutter. I do dishes and laundry and walk the dog mostly. Otherwise our house is a stye and one or the other of us occasionally manages to clean a bathroom or parts of the kitchen but neither of us blames it on the other. We realize our situation. I don’t really have a point im just giving you a general idea of how our family splits the chores given our situation. One thing to note is I would really like to not have pets as they are a large amount of the cause of our messiness in the house but she literally cannot live without them. If she were perfectly healthy she would either likely do a lot more or be working.
I’m sorry hearing about her medical condition, and thank you for your explanations it was helpful. hope she gets better soon.
Its not something that gets better soon unfortunately but its life and thank you for your well wishes. I just wish the US had univesal healthcare.