seeking advice
Me (26/F) and my husband (33/M) has been married for 3.5 years and we both work from home. he is a programmer and for the last 5 months I began to learn create some things he need for his game that he’s creating (which he asked and encouraged me to do) so I’ve been experiencing some grate changes (I never did anything with technology I was a writer and a literature nerd before). we shared everything from the beginning and I need to mention he always made much more money than me and even now we are living on his savings which are good. and I always do the cooking and cleaning and laundry and feeding our dog and basically everything around the house.
The problem began when once several months ago when I asked him if he can make his own coffee just once, he argued that he is the one working and trying to make money (I was unemployed at that time) so I should have some responsibility and do the things in the house and I wasn’t doing enough (our dog shed a lot and I didn’t have the time to vacuum yet and didn’t make coffee). I didn’t say anything and agreed that since i’m not doing anything else i would take care of the house. but i’m not always so clean and although i prepare every meal on time but my kitchen sometimes gets messy but the mess wouldn’t stay more than 1/2 days. since then we had this conversation a few other times that the house isn’t always clean enough and I acknowledged I’m a little messy and I’ll try better.
So since I began to learn and create the things he asked in my computer, I had less time to clean the house, also i need to mention I’m not very fast in this new area and my work goes on a little slow. two days ago he was going out for a swim in the pool and at last minute he turned back and said to me: “I wish my wife would surprise me with a cleaned vacuumed floor when I come back” and without any thought I answered: “well you never surprise me with a clean floor when i come home, and i’m doing stuffs too” . he got angry and said “you don’t do anything and left. when he came back he didn’t talk or answer me and angrily went vacuuming and then throw the vacuum with great anger that I thought it’s definitely broken. then I went to bed and didn’t eat for one day, he didn’t even checked if i was alive, not until after he heard me vomiting (i have stomach problem and it happened cause i didn’t eat) and then he called my mom and said: " she (me) is not feeling well can you bring us some food?!” when i asked him in the middle of my pain that tell her not to come and she’ll get nervous seeing me like this he answered:" I want her to come because i didn’t eat from last night at least somebody will cook for me." (he had dinner and launch and was lying to punish me for not cooking). anyway my mom came and i got better and that night passed… I gave him every meal on time yesterday and today and we are not talking at all, not a single word from that night, i just give him food and he eats and he’s not even working anymore, just watching TV with frowning all the time.
I feel so invalid and I wanted to ask is it true that the one who don’t have a job has to do everything in the house alone and say nothing? is he right to demand everything without any help just because we live with his money? I’m confused and I need straightforward frank answers. I feel my emotions has been disvalued in many ways in the last couple of years. I need to know what to do to make things ok, thanks for bear reading this.
PS I think my post isn’t shown, let me know
Your feelings are valid.
A healthy relationship would be the two of you working together to take care of the home. If one of you had a job outside the home and the other didn’t have a job, the one at home would have more responsibilities in the home because that is their “job” and they have the greatest time opportunity to do household tasks. That isn’t to say the one working outside the home would have zero responsibilities in the home, but the majority of household tasks would not be their responsibility because they are not home. Things like taking out the trash, feeding the dog, cleaning up messes they themself make, etc. is an equal responsibility that both people need to do when it needs to be done. If both are working, responsibilities are shared 100% or are designated fairly.
A feature of a healthy relationship is doing things for one another that they don’t need to do, like making coffee, and picking up slack for one another as needed when their partner is down. You have each other’s back and care for one another. One is sick? The other helps take care of them and does what they can around the home with the time they have available so the infirm can rest. It works like that because there is mutual appreciation, care, and desire for the two of you to be happy because they make each other happy.
You do not have a healthy relationship. You are expected to do everything for him and clean to his satisfaction. He won’t even make himself coffee or fix himself food, going so far as to call your mother to bring food. He has anger issues, to the point of being willing to destroy property. He resents you so much that he is indifferent to your suffering when you were sick. He wants a tradwife, without being a man that deserves a tradwife. I don’t even like calling what he wants a “tradwife”, because he wants someone to do everything for him and that isn’t what a tradwife is.
He needs therapy and the two of you need marriage counseling, if you honestly feel he is worth keeping in your life. Realistically, he probably won’t respond well to any therapy because he is so certain he is not the problem. It is up to him to deserve you or it is up to you to do what you need to get what you deserve because you deserve better than he is.
Thank you for your answer. yes I think he won’t accept any therapy or help too. He won’t admit he was wrong, ever. thanks so much.