Trust me you don’t want that. Or if you do want that you really should not. It’s not as awesome of a lifestyle as it’s made out to be and can be very depressing.
I have an online buddy I play games with who basically just sucks the govt teat and lives in an apartment alone. I don’t think it’s healthy to just scrape by and have no physical social life and physical intimacy. Dude always is complaining about not having enough money but then doesn’t try to get a job or otherwise increase his earnings sooooo…
Go get any job at this point, even one you don’t really want just so you’re active and doing something! It will make you feel better. Plus it will help you while you keep looking for a job you really want, a 9 month (and growing) gap on your resume is brutal.
I am employable and in many ways even valuable. I was at my last job for seven years and getting paid a decent amount until they finally managed to find someone they could afford who had my skills but not my mental health issues. (The guy needed an H1B.) I don’t blame them. They gave me a lot of chances and they were willing to accommodate me to a reasonable extent, but my issues don’t ever go away completely and ultimately they weren’t willing to accommodate me that much after they no longer had to.
I suppose this proves that I can hold a job - seven years is a long time. Still, it hurts to think of myself as defective, someone people settled for rather than someone people wanted. I asked my good friend for advice. He used to be my boss ten years ago, until the startup we were at ran out of money and he had to lay off either me or another guy. For ten years, I assumed that he laid me off because he knew that I was financially secure while the other guy had less savings and a new baby. It turns out that’s not the case. He laid me off because when push came to shove, he kept the employee who was adequate and reliable rather than, in his words, the employee who was brilliant but unreliable.
I was the happiest I have ever been in my adult life (in other words, since the depression started) when I was working at that startup, and the most productive I have ever been too. That wasn’t enough. Now I don’t want to tell my boss that I missed a deadline anymore. I don’t want more performance reviews that say I do good work when I work. I don’t want to keep trying to convince my dad that no, I’m not just being lazy and selfish. (If I do become lazy and selfish, there won’t be anything left to convince him of.) I have enough savings to live on for a decade. Two decades if I cut out everything except the bare necessities. (One benefit of anhedonia is that I don’t spend much money.) That’s far from the life expectancy of someone my age, but it’s still tempting.
I remind myself that bad episodes do end. Nine months is a surprisingly long time, but that’s probably because I also left a five-year-long relationship rather than an indicator of what things will be like from now on. I probably shouldn’t be telling all this to anonymous strangers on the internet but often I feel like you guys understand when everyone else, even my psychiatrist, doesn’t understand. That helps.
But really I think as long as you have a plan for yourself that’s all that matters. Even if it isn’t a grand plan just something to not be destitute and to be somewhat happy.
Anecdotal but I also have depression mixed with ADHD and a nice dosing of anxiety (so fun!) and I found medication did help a lot. For a long time I was very reluctant to try anything but it has been very nice to have some relief.
It never all goes away though. In many ways I think my depression is mostly caused by not feeling like I fit in well to our society (USA) and that I often am playing a role and not being myself. I know lots of people probably feel that way, maybe that’s why it’s so widespread. Like we know this shit is broken but we’re all trapped in it together.
You said you were happy working at a start up. Perhaps you have the skills to freelance or create a piece of software like a video game. That can bring in money and give you some meaningful work you’d enjoy pursuing. Living off savings is always an option but the more you keep in the bank, and more importantly wisely invested, the more it’ll increase over time.
Never knew the term anhedonia, thanks for teaching me something new! I’m sorry you have to deal with that, it sounds difficult. Chin up mate
Anecdotal but I also have depression mixed with ADHD and a nice dosing of anxiety (so fun!) and I found medication did help a lot. For a long time I was very reluctant to try anything but it has been very nice to have some relief.
I grew up in a family where we just didn’t go to the doctor. One time, my dad seriously cut his arm. He stitched the cut closed himself using the same needle and thread that he used to fix torn socks. (We had health insurance. He’s just that kind of person.) I didn’t even seriously consider medication for the first five years, and I’ll always be grateful to the woman who finally convinced me to try antidepressants.
With that said, my antidepressants take me from being very, very unhappy and frequently unable to do anything to just being kind of unhappy but still frequently unable to do anything. That’s a really big improvement (I’m not being sarcastic) but I still have a serious problem.
Ritalin made me jittery and nervous. It also made eating optional. Adderall feels a lot better. It makes me less sleepy during the day, which is nice, and eating remains optional. However, I haven’t experienced the sort of dramatic improvement that some people say they get from these medications. My sister takes them to study, and she says she can study non-stop day and night while using it. I have felt nothing like that. I think I might be resistant to stimulants - even several energy drinks’ worth of caffeine has no noticeable effect at all. I wonder if I should try two pills at once, without telling my psychiatrist. (I doubt he would approve.)
I got lorazepam for anxiety once and it felt really good. At the time, I described it as feeling happy all the way down for the first time in years. However, I only took it for a short while since it’s addictive. I keep the pills around, just in case, but I don’t take them.
Do you mind talking about what you take, and how effective it has been for you?
I think my depression is mostly caused by not feeling like I fit in well to our society (USA) and that I often am playing a role and not being myself.
A friend of mine talks about feeling that he is just playing a role, and how lifestyle changes and medication help him deal with that. I don’t really know what he means by that, since his description doesn’t match anything I have ever experienced myself. It’s interesting to hear that his experience isn’t unique. I wonder if it has something to do with not fitting in for him too - he has told me that when he was growing up, he felt like his sexual orientation was somehow wrong despite having a supportive family.
I’ll readily admit my ADHD isn’t super in check but manageable enough to not keep me from being employable and functional. I just don’t want to take Adderall nor will my current primary care provider prescribe it if I test positive for THC.
I forget my doses right now but I’m taking the generic of Zoloft and Wellbutrin (sertraline and bupropion) and it’s tamed my anxiety a lot and my depression a fair bit. Sometimes I miss the bupropion at night (take morning and 1 night) because I’m me and I can tell it makes a difference. I’ve had times were I didn’t take a couple days worth and you notice.
The sertraline is long acting so ok if I miss it every so often, helped a ton with my generalized anxiety but when I first started taking it it really fucked with my uhh “performance”, we’ll say, but after a couple months of frustration I got back to my normal too horny self.
I also use marijuana which I think helps with all 3 things to a degree but I also just like how it makes me feel. Usually helps with my anxiety and I feel like it slows my brain down some to where I can relax without thinking about a zillion things at once but it can have the exact opposite effect on people too. So I’d say you may or may not like it but if you try it just start small and be very conservative about it. You won’t die or anything but getting super high is very uncomfortable. I’m a habitual user and probably smoke too much as well so worth keeping that in mind too I suppose.
Anyways, I’d just say try to focus on what makes you feel good and chase that. Unless it’s murder, don’t chase it then just push that deep down and don’t think about it. 🙂
Trust me you don’t want that. Or if you do want that you really should not. It’s not as awesome of a lifestyle as it’s made out to be and can be very depressing.
I have an online buddy I play games with who basically just sucks the govt teat and lives in an apartment alone. I don’t think it’s healthy to just scrape by and have no physical social life and physical intimacy. Dude always is complaining about not having enough money but then doesn’t try to get a job or otherwise increase his earnings sooooo…
Go get any job at this point, even one you don’t really want just so you’re active and doing something! It will make you feel better. Plus it will help you while you keep looking for a job you really want, a 9 month (and growing) gap on your resume is brutal.
I am employable and in many ways even valuable. I was at my last job for seven years and getting paid a decent amount until they finally managed to find someone they could afford who had my skills but not my mental health issues. (The guy needed an H1B.) I don’t blame them. They gave me a lot of chances and they were willing to accommodate me to a reasonable extent, but my issues don’t ever go away completely and ultimately they weren’t willing to accommodate me that much after they no longer had to.
I suppose this proves that I can hold a job - seven years is a long time. Still, it hurts to think of myself as defective, someone people settled for rather than someone people wanted. I asked my good friend for advice. He used to be my boss ten years ago, until the startup we were at ran out of money and he had to lay off either me or another guy. For ten years, I assumed that he laid me off because he knew that I was financially secure while the other guy had less savings and a new baby. It turns out that’s not the case. He laid me off because when push came to shove, he kept the employee who was adequate and reliable rather than, in his words, the employee who was brilliant but unreliable.
I was the happiest I have ever been in my adult life (in other words, since the depression started) when I was working at that startup, and the most productive I have ever been too. That wasn’t enough. Now I don’t want to tell my boss that I missed a deadline anymore. I don’t want more performance reviews that say I do good work when I work. I don’t want to keep trying to convince my dad that no, I’m not just being lazy and selfish. (If I do become lazy and selfish, there won’t be anything left to convince him of.) I have enough savings to live on for a decade. Two decades if I cut out everything except the bare necessities. (One benefit of anhedonia is that I don’t spend much money.) That’s far from the life expectancy of someone my age, but it’s still tempting.
I remind myself that bad episodes do end. Nine months is a surprisingly long time, but that’s probably because I also left a five-year-long relationship rather than an indicator of what things will be like from now on. I probably shouldn’t be telling all this to anonymous strangers on the internet but often I feel like you guys understand when everyone else, even my psychiatrist, doesn’t understand. That helps.
Your secrets are safe with me friend 😉
But really I think as long as you have a plan for yourself that’s all that matters. Even if it isn’t a grand plan just something to not be destitute and to be somewhat happy.
Anecdotal but I also have depression mixed with ADHD and a nice dosing of anxiety (so fun!) and I found medication did help a lot. For a long time I was very reluctant to try anything but it has been very nice to have some relief.
It never all goes away though. In many ways I think my depression is mostly caused by not feeling like I fit in well to our society (USA) and that I often am playing a role and not being myself. I know lots of people probably feel that way, maybe that’s why it’s so widespread. Like we know this shit is broken but we’re all trapped in it together.
You said you were happy working at a start up. Perhaps you have the skills to freelance or create a piece of software like a video game. That can bring in money and give you some meaningful work you’d enjoy pursuing. Living off savings is always an option but the more you keep in the bank, and more importantly wisely invested, the more it’ll increase over time.
Never knew the term anhedonia, thanks for teaching me something new! I’m sorry you have to deal with that, it sounds difficult. Chin up mate
I grew up in a family where we just didn’t go to the doctor. One time, my dad seriously cut his arm. He stitched the cut closed himself using the same needle and thread that he used to fix torn socks. (We had health insurance. He’s just that kind of person.) I didn’t even seriously consider medication for the first five years, and I’ll always be grateful to the woman who finally convinced me to try antidepressants.
With that said, my antidepressants take me from being very, very unhappy and frequently unable to do anything to just being kind of unhappy but still frequently unable to do anything. That’s a really big improvement (I’m not being sarcastic) but I still have a serious problem.
Ritalin made me jittery and nervous. It also made eating optional. Adderall feels a lot better. It makes me less sleepy during the day, which is nice, and eating remains optional. However, I haven’t experienced the sort of dramatic improvement that some people say they get from these medications. My sister takes them to study, and she says she can study non-stop day and night while using it. I have felt nothing like that. I think I might be resistant to stimulants - even several energy drinks’ worth of caffeine has no noticeable effect at all. I wonder if I should try two pills at once, without telling my psychiatrist. (I doubt he would approve.)
I got lorazepam for anxiety once and it felt really good. At the time, I described it as feeling happy all the way down for the first time in years. However, I only took it for a short while since it’s addictive. I keep the pills around, just in case, but I don’t take them.
Do you mind talking about what you take, and how effective it has been for you?
A friend of mine talks about feeling that he is just playing a role, and how lifestyle changes and medication help him deal with that. I don’t really know what he means by that, since his description doesn’t match anything I have ever experienced myself. It’s interesting to hear that his experience isn’t unique. I wonder if it has something to do with not fitting in for him too - he has told me that when he was growing up, he felt like his sexual orientation was somehow wrong despite having a supportive family.
I’ll readily admit my ADHD isn’t super in check but manageable enough to not keep me from being employable and functional. I just don’t want to take Adderall nor will my current primary care provider prescribe it if I test positive for THC.
I forget my doses right now but I’m taking the generic of Zoloft and Wellbutrin (sertraline and bupropion) and it’s tamed my anxiety a lot and my depression a fair bit. Sometimes I miss the bupropion at night (take morning and 1 night) because I’m me and I can tell it makes a difference. I’ve had times were I didn’t take a couple days worth and you notice.
The sertraline is long acting so ok if I miss it every so often, helped a ton with my generalized anxiety but when I first started taking it it really fucked with my uhh “performance”, we’ll say, but after a couple months of frustration I got back to my normal too horny self.
I also use marijuana which I think helps with all 3 things to a degree but I also just like how it makes me feel. Usually helps with my anxiety and I feel like it slows my brain down some to where I can relax without thinking about a zillion things at once but it can have the exact opposite effect on people too. So I’d say you may or may not like it but if you try it just start small and be very conservative about it. You won’t die or anything but getting super high is very uncomfortable. I’m a habitual user and probably smoke too much as well so worth keeping that in mind too I suppose.
Anyways, I’d just say try to focus on what makes you feel good and chase that. Unless it’s murder, don’t chase it then just push that deep down and don’t think about it. 🙂