I’ve been crying almost daily for a year now, while trying my ass off to keep a stiff upper lip. I’ve been desperately hanging on to the standard justifications (maybe tomorrow it’ll be better, can’t let them win, this will pass, won’t rain forever, etc., etc.) out of sheer inertia, but I honestly can’t say that I believe any of them.
I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out which way to take it in life, what to do with myself, but all I feel is the walls closing in. And they’re suffocating me. The world is a fucking mess, my life is a fucking mess, I’m completely alone save for a couple of acquaintances with whom I have no true relationship, my close family is entirely dead (which, if I’m being perfectly honest, isn’t all that different than when they were alive, except I’ve been grieving the death of my mother for five years now and it doesn’t seem to end), and I’m getting old.
There is nothing which makes me want to wake up in the morning anymore. There is nothing to get me excited anymore. There is nothing to look forward to. And I don’t think I’m depressed, because depression felt like letting myself sink in lukewarm tar. This feels like a desperate, rabid sadness, like my soul wants to shred my skin off and just howl itself apart. I can feel my innards wanting to live, truly live, to experience at least some satisfaction, some sort of enjoyment, but I don’t know what I could do to get there.
I used to love being creative, but now it’s as though that pipeline got clogged up with rotten socks. I used to love interacting with animals, but all I conclude when thinking about getting a dog is that it would be unfair to that poor creature to have it bunk up with my despondent ass. I used to love hanging out with friends, but all of my friends turned out to be people who were only looking out for themselves. I used to love my country, but there’s nothing left to love around here anymore. I used to be fascinated by nature, now all I see is how little sense it makes and how worse it’s getting due to climate change. I even used to love loving someone, but now I just think about having to go through the process of dating and I’d rather just throw my soul away than have to do that again. I loved smoking weed, now it’s just a waste of money, because I’m just as miserable when stoned. I haven’t felt joy in… I don’t even remember how long, but most definitely not in the past decade…
And I’m so… so fucking tired. I feel more tired than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. And not “I need more sleep” tired, it’s as though I’m one of those old cars abandoned in parking lots, with busted wheels and corroded bodywork, with weeds growing through the upholstery. I don’t feel sick, I feel spent. Utterly spent.
And I don’t think I can do this anymore.
Try a big dose of psychedelics
I thought about doing this at one point, but I’m pretty certain I won’t be coming back from that. My sanity seems flimsy enough as it is, to be perfectly honest. I don’t even really understand how it lasted this long…
I wouldn’t recommend starting with a big dose, but they can be really useful for giving your mind a reset. You mentioned weed, which in my opinion messes with your sanity a lot more than psychedelics. I think a tab of lsd in nature with a sketchbook would do you a lot of good. It can really remind you of the beauty of being alive.
If that’s not something you’re comfortable trying, I’d recommend looking into something else that also acts on serotonin, like SSRIs.
Also consider getting a cat. Depending on the cat’s personality they could be absolutely thrilled to have someone who sits around all day. You won’t feel like you’re letting the cat down in the same way you would for a dog.
Anyway I relate to too much of your post. I hope you find meaning and fulfillment in your life <3
Weed has been good to me for a good while, to be honest, it helped me make some space between myself and my thoughts, if that makes sense, and that extra space has helped me in figuring out a lot of things which would’ve otherwise been drowned out by the deluge. It also makes food taste better, which is always a good thing!
But, yes, there’s a time and a place for everything, and while it has been good in helping me get some enjoyment from my life, right now it’s not the “tool” I need.
I’ve been considering psychedelics for a while, I knew a lot of people who started microdosing during the Pandemic and the overall opinion seemed to be good. The only thing which holds me back is that I don’t want to do it alone the first time.
Thing is, I think drugs work differently for me when compared to what I’ve discussed with partakers so far - weed acts more like coke, coke acts more like weed, and the one time I tried MDMA, I ended up creating a 2000-track playlist in 6 hours, while the rest of the group was awkwardly getting naked around me (that was… very weird, to say the least…). Heck, even anaesthetics seem to go through me faster than the norm… Not knowing what to expect from the interaction between my brain chemistry and LSD, I’d think it best to have a “sherpa” the first time around, just in case…
Gotta find a friend group for that, though…
Thank you so much for your recommendations and your thoughts, I, too, hope you’ll manage to reach that place! May we meet again with more fulfilment in our hearts!
Late edit: as for getting a cat, I’ve had about 11 during my lifetime and I love them to death, but dogs are my ‘siblings’ in terms of approaching life… Either way, cat or dog, I still want to fix myself a bit more before I’ll feel comfortable enough to have another living soul depend on me…
This person has never done drugs.
Psilocybin is the bees knees, highly recommend. Not even in a “get chooched” kinda way either. Use a little to make a tea and just exist after drinking it.
Do something safe that requires concentration, like drawing, writing or playing an adventure video game (light on the action, no horror, really as little violence as possible). You could also straight up do nothing but exercise mindfulness with a long meditation.
If you’re worried about the legality or safety of acquiring it, use a prepaid credit that you buy with cash and order it online.
Microdosing is also totally reasonable, bearing in mind that there are stains just like there are with weed. Some will do a body buzz, some will boost your energy and some will boost mindfulness.
I didn’t even think about shrooms, tbh! A tea sounds like it could be pretty mellow, indeed! Thank you for the suggestion! As for obtaining said shrooms… where there’s a will, there’s a way.