I don’t think you would or you can support me tbh but maybe I am wrong.

It seems part of me avoids getting close to people, especially women. They are more “dangerous” than men since I won’t get that close to a man.

My behavior: When I interact with a woman I find fully attractive, I push her away in various ways. This mostly started to happen after I realized and experienced how attractive I am [x].

Now I am doing these:

• I don’t maintain eye contact.
• I look at everywhere but her face.
• I make my energy cold. This sometimes makes them feel a bit hurt. Then I try to be warm
• I hide my reactions that show my interest in her.
• I pretend to not hear her green lights.
• I kinda just quit talking if the conversation pulls us closer.

In the past, I was also pushing them away but it was mostly me not accepting their interest in me using various rationalizations, instead of doing the stuff above.

Details

1. If I didn’t connect with the women I connected, I would be more open to connection now. Now I am like I connected with such and such, so I might connect this girl too, so I have to pre emptively push her away.
2. I feel like there is no women above my league based on my experience. So all women are dangerous.
3. I don’t look like a model (yet maybe), but I am very attractive to women. I have no doubts about it. I went to therapy which led to realizations and experiences that let me write this paragraph.
4. I don’t avoid a woman I find unattractive. First woman I initiated a hug towards was someone I found unattractive but I did that to be nice I guess. She was indirectly but clearly hitting on me.
5. I physically interacted with someone who was probably extremely into me (in a good way for other people). This was in a class. And I was there to clarify things with her. She made me so nervous that my body was shaking while I was interacting with other women before I interacted with her. And my face was twitching while I was touching her. I don’t think this nervousness will ever happen again but I’m sharing to express my situation. She potentially acted and looked at me like she was saying yes to everything related to me and then she gave me various signs a month prior.
6. I have no problem with sex if I know there is no connection, e.g I tried escorts. Nervous a bit, mostly at first.
7. I even avoided a guy because I knew he was going to get me closer to women.
8. When I feel like I am about to get close to a woman, she sometimes appears unattractive. My avoidance influences the way I see the world. It used to influence the way I saw myself (I made myself believe I was unattractive to avoid intimacy), which therapy fixed.
9. When a woman I liked seemed like she liked me, I sweated like a mofo and I really wanted to get away from her. I went home at 2am. Couldn’t sleep until 4am.
10. I talked to +700 women in person or physically interacted with them since Sep 2023. Some women I met were really great, basically amazing, I’m going to always like some of them, but, I’ve never met a woman who made me feel like I want to see her in my future 5+ years from now. I am familiar with e. psychology and have a relatively good understanding of how things work.
11. Universe works in insane ways for me. Despite low probability, universe really gives you what you need, if you do what you believe you should do.
12. Handshake is fine but I don’t like when guys touch me either. Though I am a lot more used to touching now. Two women stood next to me, and their foot, hip and torso were touching me. Second time this happened, I felt a lot less nervous. With that said, I don’t want to touch anyone unless I like them. Otherwise I don’t understand the point of touching.
13. I used religion, porn, food to avoid women in the past.

Solution

• When I talk about my problem, women try to help. With the first woman I talked to abou my problem, we met again and I practiced something I haven’t done in 20 years maybe. But I don’t talk about my problem with women I might sleep with. Instead, I talk about my problem only with women I don’t find fully attractive. These women know I’m not that into them, so its less likely for them to sleep with me. Women seem to REALLY care about being fully wanted.
• Women I interacted in person have been extremely good to me. I say this because I forced myself to be more psychically close to them so I got to know them more. So if I talk about this in person, I know they are going to help me. I just need to open my mouth, talk and be truthful instead of hiding myself or running away. It is simple but I just didn’t do it yet.
• Right now I am supposed to find a therapist but it is a difficult process. And therapy doesn’t fix your problem. You fix your problems. Therapy doesn’t take the action for you. So going to therapy isn’t going to make a huge difference for me after this point, maybe.
• I could always do stuff the normal way :D Here’s an example of how that went. I once forced myself to say “I wouldn’t be happy if I didn’t ask you out” to someone who was kinda flirty. It was a purely sexual connection but there was not enough connection. I just asked her out to stop making an excuse to avoid women. My energy was unstable because I was nervous. And because of that, I asked her why she doesn’t have a bf in a way that makes her feel not so good maybe. And at one point, there was a silence, I was looking into her eyes and maybe acting like “so we are both down but uhhh I am maybe scared to take one more step” idk honestly. She said she has to politely decline. I said okay, thank you with too much gratitude. Based on how I acted while saying thank you, it seems I was happy she rejected me. But she definely turned me on.
• If I could maintain eye contact, I think I will feel connection with some women and my energy will return. If that energy returns, I think all I have to do will be to not isolate myself. A woman suggested I fake eye contact but how do you fake eye contact if you want to avoid eye contact?

[x] This started right after therapy made me realize how hard I avoid and how my avoidance influenced my self image. Then I connected with many women. Feeling like I am really wanted ofc made me very happy. My energy grew like an avalanche. I started getting random compliments. Some women started to try to get my attention. I was sure this energy was gonna get me close to someone(s). And I was getting close to a girl which I mentioned earlier. Then I isolated myself for a month instead of letting that energy do its thing. When my energy increased, I started to wake up too early. I was sleep deprived horribly for 3 weeks. Because of that I had an accident in gym, which convinced me to use sleeping pills (doxylamine succinate). This fixed my sleep. Turns out doxylamine succinate is sedative.