someone here must know

i think my parents caused me to exist just so i take care of them when they are old. they sent love to my direction but they didn’t love me. they loved their insurance plan, themselves (they saw their being in me), what they feel about themselves (through me). i was not allowed to exist peacefully or mind my own business. i was not allowed to have a preference or emotion. i am 10 and 14 years younger than my siblings. they knew my predecessors weren’t gonna be stupid enough. they hate each other. pretty much anything originating from them were negative. this family was a theatre. it takes a certain level of wretchedness to do this. and these people were what i know of humans. so i didn’t like humans.

anyways, at some point, i met many different people in a short amount of time. my opinion of humans improved.

two of them (women) made me feel more alive but i didn’t get close to them physically despite being pulled by them really hard.

then i forced myself to practice being physically close to people (women). it was very difficult.

meanwhile in therapy i realized i avoid intimacy really hard

last two points combined led to some new observations

i think at least one person loved me. i never saw someone looking at me like that before. i think maybe they sensed my background and how i dealt with it. she treated me like i’m her kid and at some point she acted like my kid. i don’t remember a similar experience at such level. she wasn’t sexual like some others. she felt more wholesome

and i feel weird about it. like what the fuck is even love? what do i do with it? do i eat it? keep it? store it? grow it? do i let it exist by itself? i am asking stupid things but it is just kinda weird.

how do i cope with this positive thing?

i am kinda trying to get myself used to this concept so i can stop avoiding intimacy. i am still avoiding, really hard. but if i stop avoiding, i’ll find myself in a relationship probably quickly

i probably don’t know what i don’t know too.

back to what do to with love?.. do i fuck it? i know what to be and how to be i think, but it feels like too much change if i go there. a whole ass human depending on you or giving herself to you in every way is weird. too much responsibility or too much power. idk. it feels like too much of a bond. its like two people are chained to each other kind of thing… and she expects me to control that bond however i want. also its no longer just me. right now i am an independent singular consciousness. i can go anywhere, live anywhere, do whatever. i am actually in top 0.1-0.01% in terms of freedom. but if i let things happen, a woman is gonna be always around me lol. and i will have to make plans for her and deal with stuff. then a family reeeee. people get used to everything so maybe my future family will become boring too?

again, love feels weird. maybe they just love what i might provide to them. maybe there is no such thing as love and it is arrogance or stupidity to expect it to exist

also this might be like a drug. this person can feed me love and take everything in return and i might be ok with it. my brother did that but obviously that’s a different type of love