Dated a poly-amorous person for a while, I can’t say I’ve tried being poly myself as I have a hard enough time getting in a relationship with one person at a time, but ending up as the odd man out as they split their time between work, kids, and any partner but me didn’t feel good.
If you try again, lay out your expectations as to how much attention you expect, as it seems as if there wasn’t good communication on that and you committed more than they did. Poly and monogamy ultimately have the same largest hurldles: bad communication and bad actors.
We did. She approached me about dating and we talked for a while about expectations before really going for it, that’s what made it hurt. I knew going in that I wouldn’t be able to have her around as much as previous relationships, but the “expected time together” suddenly became none because she “wanted to focus on her career” but posted on facebook whenever she was with others, which was about as often as normal for her.
Edit- I think she just decided that her needs/wants changed and she just didn’t want to hurt me by breaking up, but not doing that was just as bad.
Question, how does one of those end? Curious about the second one in particular. Did you break up with your primary partner then leave? Did the couples vote you off the island? Just curious
Basically I quit drinking for both my physical and mental health and a few of them insisted on wanting to drink around me even though I said that it made staying sober really hard.
One of the key culprits in the insisting on drinking around me was the dude I was dating on the time, but that didn’t last more than a couple instances of them getting hammered while I stayed sober.
So I said that I didn’t want to be around the ones who insisted on drinking if they continued their shit.
Then the ones that didn’t drink around me kept telling me that I was being too harsh on staying sober, and they started insisting that I could drink in moderation.
I said I had tried that in the past and I failed miserably at staying sober.
Then I tried to reach out to them the following weekend and they told me that they had decided that they were going to keep drinking and partying.
So we parted ways.
Honestly it was pretty mutual, though they decided my sobriety was a deal breaker independently of me deciding that their drinking was a deal breaker.
Kinda hurt at first but it didn’t take long before I realized that I was happier not around them then around them. So I’d say I came out ahead.
Last I heard the group broke further when a few of them started getting into hard drugs a few months later so I guess I dodged a bullet there.
The first one ended pretty badly and it hurts to talk about in detail to this day. But long story short it ended over the course of 3 days: day one one died, day two I took it poorly and started drinking again, then day three the other one died due to a DUI (they had failed in sobriety as well) then I basically fell full long into alcoholism again.
Sounds like that group needs to have a conversation about being non-monogamous.
It can actually be a pretty awesome way to live for some people.
I have been in 2 polycules and the second one was more a collection of couples that like to trade and share. The first one was just the 3 of us.
Currently single but meh, I’m enjoying it for the time being.
Dated a poly-amorous person for a while, I can’t say I’ve tried being poly myself as I have a hard enough time getting in a relationship with one person at a time, but ending up as the odd man out as they split their time between work, kids, and any partner but me didn’t feel good.
If you try again, lay out your expectations as to how much attention you expect, as it seems as if there wasn’t good communication on that and you committed more than they did. Poly and monogamy ultimately have the same largest hurldles: bad communication and bad actors.
We did. She approached me about dating and we talked for a while about expectations before really going for it, that’s what made it hurt. I knew going in that I wouldn’t be able to have her around as much as previous relationships, but the “expected time together” suddenly became none because she “wanted to focus on her career” but posted on facebook whenever she was with others, which was about as often as normal for her.
Edit- I think she just decided that her needs/wants changed and she just didn’t want to hurt me by breaking up, but not doing that was just as bad.
Question, how does one of those end? Curious about the second one in particular. Did you break up with your primary partner then leave? Did the couples vote you off the island? Just curious
Basically I quit drinking for both my physical and mental health and a few of them insisted on wanting to drink around me even though I said that it made staying sober really hard.
One of the key culprits in the insisting on drinking around me was the dude I was dating on the time, but that didn’t last more than a couple instances of them getting hammered while I stayed sober.
So I said that I didn’t want to be around the ones who insisted on drinking if they continued their shit.
Then the ones that didn’t drink around me kept telling me that I was being too harsh on staying sober, and they started insisting that I could drink in moderation.
I said I had tried that in the past and I failed miserably at staying sober.
Then I tried to reach out to them the following weekend and they told me that they had decided that they were going to keep drinking and partying.
So we parted ways.
Honestly it was pretty mutual, though they decided my sobriety was a deal breaker independently of me deciding that their drinking was a deal breaker.
Kinda hurt at first but it didn’t take long before I realized that I was happier not around them then around them. So I’d say I came out ahead.
Last I heard the group broke further when a few of them started getting into hard drugs a few months later so I guess I dodged a bullet there.
The first one ended pretty badly and it hurts to talk about in detail to this day. But long story short it ended over the course of 3 days: day one one died, day two I took it poorly and started drinking again, then day three the other one died due to a DUI (they had failed in sobriety as well) then I basically fell full long into alcoholism again.
Ow, the first relationship’s ending sounds really rough, I feel for you :/
Godspeed to your sobriety!
Currently I’m 5 years sober which is the longest I’ve been sober since I was 12 years old.
Honestly sobriety is pretty great.
It had some rocky moments during the first year but it’s only gotten easier with time.
Yeah that first poly relationship ending was also the first time my sobriety failed.
All in all to get to this point in sobriety took 4 tries but it was worth the effort.