we’ve been no contact with my family on and off for a while - we were able to use covid and my daughter’s premature birth as a scapegoat (which honestly was a worry anyways), but we’ve been starting to try and attend family events more now that my parents have grandkids other than my own kids. Having more in-laws and grand kids has seemed to help them mellow out a bit.
To over simplify, my mom and I’ve never gotten along. I know I have a lot of blame for that from when I was a kid / teenager, and I think my mom has some unresolved challenges of her own from her dad abusing her as a kid. That being said, as a Father of a few kids myself, the idea of my kids eliminating their relationship with me kills me inside, and I gotta think my mom feels similarly - I hope so at least. I’ve tried reaching out a few times a few different ways, trying to talk about things I know she loves - old Abbott and Costello movies, good food, baseball, etc. I feel like I’m talking to a wall - and at family events we do go to, she wont talk to me. I try to, and she’ll respond with a smile, but she wont actually talk to me. Often at family shin digs (family pictures, birthday, holiday dinner) I wont get a word out of her. I can’t tell if she’s scared of me or if she just doesn’t care.
This latest attempt kind of stung - I stuck my neck out and transparently stated I wanted to spend some quality time together. I’m trying not to read into it too much, but it seemed like time with me was a chore - which when I look back at any interactions we have, I can see that could be her perception. I want to get this to work. I’m not sure what to try next, I’d really love to have a good relationship with my mom. I’ve genuinely apologized for my actions as a kid a number of times, and I’ve been consistenly trying things like this in person or over messages for a few years now. I’m kind of at a loss.
Could you just say that to your mother? Just tell her what you said here. In a letter or a text just tell her you would like a better relationship with her and are looking to see if she is open to the idea. You can explain it is important to you. Be direct and ask her what you would like. Everyone communicates differently and perhaps she did not understand this as a method to improve the relationship. If she says no, perhaps she will give a reason. If not you can say okay and ask her to let you know if she ever changes her mind. Unfortunately we cannot always have the relationships we want but it is best to be direct about your needs and also boundaries. But also know that just because you want or need something doesn’t mean you will get it if you ask. I often find we do not directly ask the questions we really don’t want answered. It is possible she will say no and give no reason and that will be sad but at least you did your best to communicate with her. But perhaps it will open a door. In my own life I often didn’t directly ask for what I needed and tried to pad the questions do as not to be rude or hurtful but sometimes people can’t see what you are asking that way. When I asked directly I was often surprised by the answers in a good way. Good luck.