I’m a 37 year old IT Cloud Engineer, I have a great job, great house, love my family, but recently I lost my dad to cancer after a 16 year battle. My brother likes to say cancer had to cheat to win, it was all because he broke his back and had to be taken off his treatments for to long. Cancer is a fickle bitch…
Prior to losing my dad, I lost my best friend, who apparently dropped dead in his backyard. I don’t know the specifics and frankly I don’t want to know. Either way, these events effected me, and I started having massive panic attacks and anxiety issues, constantly afraid for my health even though there’s nothing wrong with me. It took a few months of therapy to realize I needed medical help.
I was put on antidepressants and everything changed, I was a human again for the first time in like a decade. I was happy, I was successful, but now, idk if I’m just having a midlife crisis, or if maybe I’m just feeling depressed again, but I just feel lost. I’ve lost one of the few people in my life I’ve modeled my success after, my father, I lost the other person I could hang out with and empathize with, I have my wife and I love her to death, but my friend had been that person that was just there to hang out and make you feel better, and now they’re gone. I’m still struggling to cope and it’s just really hard and I need a place to vent.
Anyone have any ideas on how to cope and move on as well as control the anxiety without the need to be medicated?
TL;DR: Lost my dad and my best friend in the course of two years and it’s been rough. Now I feel lost and confused constantly. Cloudy brain and I just don’t want to be complacent in life and need some advice. Thanks for reading.
Edit: just wanted to say thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I’m going to take the advice I’ve been given here to heart and try some new things to try and give me some direction. Thank you all again so much for the help, it really made me feel a lot better.
Hey man, first of all internet hugs from a random stranger.
I’m so sorry for for what you’re going through and cannot even begin to understand how you feel. I haven’t gone through anything similar, so I can’t really offer any advice.
I just wanted to let you know that it’s okay to feel the way you do. That might stick around for a while, and you shouldn’t pressure yourself into feeling “better” (or let others do that for you). It’s important to recognize and acknowledge these emotions, and it sounds like you do. There’s nothing wrong with you; you’re grieving. There’s no way to replace the people you’ve lost and it’s natural to feel like there’s a hole in your heart.
Feel it, but don’t get lost in it. It sounds like your wife can be a pillar for you right now. Are you talking to her about this emptiness? Let her know how she can best be there for you. When I first met my girlfriend, her mom was dying and eventually died six months into our relationship. I’ve often felt helpless during that time as I wanted to be there for her and idk just DO something, kind of “fix” her problems or make them go away. Of course, that’s not possible. I was at a loss how to support her, but by talking about it slowly came to understand that my desire to do something was a bit misplaced - just holding her in my arms and fixing dinner and suggesting playing through a coop video game was what she needed. It made her feel safe again after feeling like the flloor had been ripped out from under her.
She also drastically reduced her hours and went on long extended hikes.
I’m not saying that’s what right for you - I’m saying try to figure out what you can do to make every day suck a little tiny bit less and talk about it with your partner. Make her your ally in this, if you haven’t already.
Lastly, anxiety’s a bitch. I don’t know if there’s a cure for it, but there’s certainly more or less helpful ways of confronting or rather dealing with (intrusive) thoughts. Is there any particular pattern that stands out in your thoughts?
Thank you so much, it’s been hard, insanely difficult to deal with at times. I needed to hear something like this, I’ve just felt alone and I’ve had so many scenarios recently where I would’ve called my dad for advice and I haven’t had that, it drives me nuts. I really haven’t had any intrusive thoughts, not sure what you’re implying with that, but after my friend died I did feel hopeless and sad all the time, never really wanting to hurt myself or anything but my therapist was worried enough that she wanted to see me on medication and now here I am. Thanks to my therapist and my wife for pushing me to to get medication, I started healing again, but now it’s a different feeling, more like “what do I do now?” And not everything is hopeless.