I would like to preface there is some foul language and potentially dark musings that I am going to express…

If it is beyond acceptable measures and rules of the group I understand I accept it being removed.

I am really trying to win a mental battle, but I just can’t win

I am engulfed in negativity, surrounded by voices of negativity, my past haunts my negativity, and feel my future is going to lead just to negativity.

I am a broken shell of an individual that doesn’t want to be broken but nothing seems to break me free from my mental prison.

I have tried to keep it under control, but recently seems I am in less control than I feared.

An ex recently came to me via social media to ask for support for the difficulties they are experiencing in their life and in conversation something from the past came back to surface, which later seemed to be but a metaphorical vent in volcano as they wished to wipe the slate clean.

This gesture seemed to reverberate with a painful memory which is associated with an even greater painful memory sphere. This soon erupted into a tirade of expression that brought out the suppressed emotion of the greater memory sphere. This I thought lightened my burden and to try make up for my outburst tried to reconcile with selfless support, however a day after a conversation seemed to snap an even greater repressed emotion.

I was not hovering between panic attack and tears, but tears and emotional numbness, this continued until a point it seems my unconscious mind put a stop to it as I reached a point where I couldn’t feel any emotion anymore, like I had just administered drugs. My body was just dead to emotion and tired and just empty.

It was like even soul was broken and just had enough and put a stop to it. All I felt like doing is just lie down and try and sleep, like some husk of a person just run bare. In the morning, the back of my neck sore and I felt empty still.

This individual undergoing their stresses has since pulled away and removed themselves from my life as they have their issues to deal with and I am too heavy negative presence to deal with.

The tangled web of suppressed fear, disappointment and anger is so ingrained that I cannot see anyone that would have the patience to untie it… I could never afford the amount of therapy to get help for this and even if I could I am so jaded by never finding any progress or answers that I fear all I will do is waste that money if I tried.

I say this from going to university, and seeing the student councellors and probably of the 10 or more I saw only one had any inkling of providing an diagnosis and another help conceptualize a slightly better outlook. The rest was trying to tell me my problems aren’t my problems, seek religion, or just write down what i say… every single one I seem to address a new issue almost like I was just trying to unload the accumulated burden of the past.

I will give acknowledgement to those that tuned down my most violent thoughts.

Although this is by and large ancient history, I believe the wellspring from which my deepest hatred, pain and fear comes from is the betrayal of someone I put naive trust in. It was the straw that broke the camels back and imprinted in me an incredibily destructive scar upon my psyche.

I acknowledge that I took their attitude poorly and acted in way that should have been acted upon sooner. But this wrong behaviour led to a day when this individual showed a group of people where I lived, which is with my family.

This action snapped something inside of me, it invoked an incredible surge of hatred. To punish me for my actions I could accept, but the thought of hurting my family for my actions was unforgivable and swelled me with an incandescent rage.

I say this as my brother is mentally disabled and the thought that he could get hurt for my actions fueled an anger I do not think I have come close to yet. This burning rage was always present waiting for a strike that never came, until under advisement of her mother said I should just write a letter out and just get it out my system.

My trust and naive constantly mocked as we worked in the same environment as she would loudly speak about her recandled flame with the boyfriend that had cheated on her come back together, with him even coming into the store on occassion where they make a public display of things.

The letter I wrote scathing and fully expecting reprisal… i wished to paint a bullseye upon myself and myself only

My mentality was that of a death seeker looking for one final violent defiant release. The day did come when I was threatened and I know fight or flight kicked in as I was filled with addrenaline, happy, eager, waiting for the first strike to be thrown. This was done while I was working and everything in my body felt happy to finally have this moment. But the moment never came and only threats for after work reprisal were given…

The addrenaline past, and my higher functions kicked in and soon realised what the fuck was I feeling, when finally confronted with release I was feeling eager smiling at the opportunity…but when it past that part of me scared the living bejeebus out of me… i fell into a panick attack as I had no idea what the hell is wrong with me.

It was at moment, a part of me was scared I realized I wanted to live. The thought of what i was willing to through with was horrifying, that anger, that rage it scared me something fierce.

Just writing this makes my heart beat fast and hard like a constant knock at the door as I lie in bed.

I tried to seek some help but it was the before mentioned free university student services and that was met with mixed results.

But it seems this pain, this learning experience scarred me in the way that I was too stupid to process the real world and in doing so I almost caused so much hurt for someone regardless of the outcome be it in my death or the death of the ones threatening me.

I tried to to move on, but every attempt fails, always always something happens that draws me to the pain

I was incredibly lonely growing up, so much so I would go mad and feel like my head woud explode from the pressure, physical pressure of trying to make sense of it all. All the while I needed to hide my pain, my actions my thoughts to not make my parents feel that they raised 2 mental disabled children.

From that point on people that I would come close to would take advantage of my kindness, my trust and this further eroded my pysche, I tried to move on, but behind me was an every growing baggage that would get heavier and heavier to carry as each successive people would take more and more from me… and add to this seeing such messed up things happen with people around them and it just made the problem worse and worse.

It my problem that I got so desparate for some form of affirmation that the only people I seem to draw were the wrong type of people…

I mean this type of behaviour was going on for awhile with various levels of betrayal and anguish even before the fateful tipping point, but as I wrote before that the point where I got so angry was a point where I felt the ever downward spiral take a free fall

It effects every part of my life and with every failure just seems to get worse and worse

I cannot even see myself worthy being anyone’s better half because I am too broken to fix… to try is to delve into madness itself and I cannot expect anyone to have the mental fortitude and patience to dig through so much filth. This even in the face of being told I have examplary morals, I just cannot be anyone else’s burden.

I even have been told before to seek a priest to rid myself of the demons.

Somehow I have found a way to make friends, even with repeated faliure, I somehow have met individuals that are cut and above the usual pieces of shit human being I seem to have seem to associate with, but I am trying to keep this mess of a human being out of it. What I have shared is to a point I believe palatable to average consenus of the group and I never or want or expect them to provide support in my mental battles as just having “decent human beings” to be in contact with is a treasure.

I have other issues where I do not have a voice to correct the wrong assumptions and standing up for myself when I feel that I receive unfair treatment in a respectful and dignified manner and tend to keep quiet, but that would require another long and exhausting write essay and I am just drained after writing this.

I apologize yet again for language use and potentially dark tone, but I did try to compress this to not go into too much detail, as I have a terrible habit of writing too much and hopefully this more palatable.

But yeah, if I would surmise I am a broken person haunted by a past that holds onto me as a means to protect myself from myself but in doing so makes my life incredibily miserable and any longings and aspirations I have is such a broken concept that I feel whatever I do is doomed to fail and only bring about more misery and pain in an endless self-perpetuating cycle of failure and regret that I feel that doing anything is pointless as it will only lead to having me needing to deal with even more stuff that perpetuates the unending cycle

I know this unhealthy, I know it is wrong and I know I need help but I cannot see anything really helping this it is more than needing drugs as all it will help with is regulation and chemical balance, but my mind is a shattered broken mess that no amount of drugs can ultimately fix, maybe make the house keeping easier but there is some foundational problems I know is the root causes but all help I received is from the freely available sources and those sources all seem confused about is the problems because they have just best guesss so far and feel drugs will fix things.