I would like to preface there is some foul language and potentially dark musings that I am going to express…
If it is beyond acceptable measures and rules of the group I understand I accept it being removed.
I am really trying to win a mental battle, but I just can’t win
I am engulfed in negativity, surrounded by voices of negativity, my past haunts my negativity, and feel my future is going to lead just to negativity.
I am a broken shell of an individual that doesn’t want to be broken but nothing seems to break me free from my mental prison.
I have tried to keep it under control, but recently seems I am in less control than I feared.
An ex recently came to me via social media to ask for support for the difficulties they are experiencing in their life and in conversation something from the past came back to surface, which later seemed to be but a metaphorical vent in volcano as they wished to wipe the slate clean.
This gesture seemed to reverberate with a painful memory which is associated with an even greater painful memory sphere. This soon erupted into a tirade of expression that brought out the suppressed emotion of the greater memory sphere. This I thought lightened my burden and to try make up for my outburst tried to reconcile with selfless support, however a day after a conversation seemed to snap an even greater repressed emotion.
I was not hovering between panic attack and tears, but tears and emotional numbness, this continued until a point it seems my unconscious mind put a stop to it as I reached a point where I couldn’t feel any emotion anymore, like I had just administered drugs. My body was just dead to emotion and tired and just empty.
It was like even soul was broken and just had enough and put a stop to it. All I felt like doing is just lie down and try and sleep, like some husk of a person just run bare. In the morning, the back of my neck sore and I felt empty still.
This individual undergoing their stresses has since pulled away and removed themselves from my life as they have their issues to deal with and I am too heavy negative presence to deal with.
The tangled web of suppressed fear, disappointment and anger is so ingrained that I cannot see anyone that would have the patience to untie it… I could never afford the amount of therapy to get help for this and even if I could I am so jaded by never finding any progress or answers that I fear all I will do is waste that money if I tried.
I say this from going to university, and seeing the student councellors and probably of the 10 or more I saw only one had any inkling of providing an diagnosis and another help conceptualize a slightly better outlook. The rest was trying to tell me my problems aren’t my problems, seek religion, or just write down what i say… every single one I seem to address a new issue almost like I was just trying to unload the accumulated burden of the past.
I will give acknowledgement to those that tuned down my most violent thoughts.
Although this is by and large ancient history, I believe the wellspring from which my deepest hatred, pain and fear comes from is the betrayal of someone I put naive trust in. It was the straw that broke the camels back and imprinted in me an incredibily destructive scar upon my psyche.
I acknowledge that I took their attitude poorly and acted in way that should have been acted upon sooner. But this wrong behaviour led to a day when this individual showed a group of people where I lived, which is with my family.
This action snapped something inside of me, it invoked an incredible surge of hatred. To punish me for my actions I could accept, but the thought of hurting my family for my actions was unforgivable and swelled me with an incandescent rage.
I say this as my brother is mentally disabled and the thought that he could get hurt for my actions fueled an anger I do not think I have come close to yet. This burning rage was always present waiting for a strike that never came, until under advisement of her mother said I should just write a letter out and just get it out my system.
My trust and naive constantly mocked as we worked in the same environment as she would loudly speak about her recandled flame with the boyfriend that had cheated on her come back together, with him even coming into the store on occassion where they make a public display of things.
The letter I wrote scathing and fully expecting reprisal… i wished to paint a bullseye upon myself and myself only
My mentality was that of a death seeker looking for one final violent defiant release. The day did come when I was threatened and I know fight or flight kicked in as I was filled with addrenaline, happy, eager, waiting for the first strike to be thrown. This was done while I was working and everything in my body felt happy to finally have this moment. But the moment never came and only threats for after work reprisal were given…
The addrenaline past, and my higher functions kicked in and soon realised what the fuck was I feeling, when finally confronted with release I was feeling eager smiling at the opportunity…but when it past that part of me scared the living bejeebus out of me… i fell into a panick attack as I had no idea what the hell is wrong with me.
It was at moment, a part of me was scared I realized I wanted to live. The thought of what i was willing to through with was horrifying, that anger, that rage it scared me something fierce.
Just writing this makes my heart beat fast and hard like a constant knock at the door as I lie in bed.
I tried to seek some help but it was the before mentioned free university student services and that was met with mixed results.
But it seems this pain, this learning experience scarred me in the way that I was too stupid to process the real world and in doing so I almost caused so much hurt for someone regardless of the outcome be it in my death or the death of the ones threatening me.
I tried to to move on, but every attempt fails, always always something happens that draws me to the pain
I was incredibly lonely growing up, so much so I would go mad and feel like my head woud explode from the pressure, physical pressure of trying to make sense of it all. All the while I needed to hide my pain, my actions my thoughts to not make my parents feel that they raised 2 mental disabled children.
From that point on people that I would come close to would take advantage of my kindness, my trust and this further eroded my pysche, I tried to move on, but behind me was an every growing baggage that would get heavier and heavier to carry as each successive people would take more and more from me… and add to this seeing such messed up things happen with people around them and it just made the problem worse and worse.
It my problem that I got so desparate for some form of affirmation that the only people I seem to draw were the wrong type of people…
I mean this type of behaviour was going on for awhile with various levels of betrayal and anguish even before the fateful tipping point, but as I wrote before that the point where I got so angry was a point where I felt the ever downward spiral take a free fall
It effects every part of my life and with every failure just seems to get worse and worse
I cannot even see myself worthy being anyone’s better half because I am too broken to fix… to try is to delve into madness itself and I cannot expect anyone to have the mental fortitude and patience to dig through so much filth. This even in the face of being told I have examplary morals, I just cannot be anyone else’s burden.
I even have been told before to seek a priest to rid myself of the demons.
Somehow I have found a way to make friends, even with repeated faliure, I somehow have met individuals that are cut and above the usual pieces of shit human being I seem to have seem to associate with, but I am trying to keep this mess of a human being out of it. What I have shared is to a point I believe palatable to average consenus of the group and I never or want or expect them to provide support in my mental battles as just having “decent human beings” to be in contact with is a treasure.
I have other issues where I do not have a voice to correct the wrong assumptions and standing up for myself when I feel that I receive unfair treatment in a respectful and dignified manner and tend to keep quiet, but that would require another long and exhausting write essay and I am just drained after writing this.
I apologize yet again for language use and potentially dark tone, but I did try to compress this to not go into too much detail, as I have a terrible habit of writing too much and hopefully this more palatable.
But yeah, if I would surmise I am a broken person haunted by a past that holds onto me as a means to protect myself from myself but in doing so makes my life incredibily miserable and any longings and aspirations I have is such a broken concept that I feel whatever I do is doomed to fail and only bring about more misery and pain in an endless self-perpetuating cycle of failure and regret that I feel that doing anything is pointless as it will only lead to having me needing to deal with even more stuff that perpetuates the unending cycle
I know this unhealthy, I know it is wrong and I know I need help but I cannot see anything really helping this it is more than needing drugs as all it will help with is regulation and chemical balance, but my mind is a shattered broken mess that no amount of drugs can ultimately fix, maybe make the house keeping easier but there is some foundational problems I know is the root causes but all help I received is from the freely available sources and those sources all seem confused about is the problems because they have just best guesss so far and feel drugs will fix things.
So you are all over the place, I doubt anyone will be able to give you any meaningful advice on your circumstances.
You say medication won’t work, and therapy won’t work. Often, neither works by itself. Studies show most effective treatment is both simultaneously.
Think of it like this: the medicine gets you better able to think clearly so that therapy is more productive and more likely to succeed. Neither have to be something you do forever, but if you really want the best chance at improving your mental health then at least to start do both simultaneously. If you don’t have insurance go to the department of social services and apply for Medicare or see what else they offer.
Go to your primary care doctor, tell them what is going on with your emotions. Ask if they can prescribe you anything and ask for a referral to an in network therapist. If they won’t prescribe medication ask for a referral to a psychiatrist or a psychiatric nurse practitioner.
That is what I did about 15 years ago. I still have problems, but things are much much better than they were. Good luck buddy, don’t give up.
On behalf of my psych PhD SO I want to emphasize:
Studies show most effective treatment is both simultaneously.
I can also confirm anecdotally it’s true. Please give it a go 💙
Thank you, I know it isn’t easy but I am discussing with a friend around working out a possibility of working something out towards making what you wrote a reality. I don’t know if it will work but at least it is an attempt at trying to do something. If nothing else it is better than doing nothing.
Update: The friend in question was the one that pulled away and they contacted me again as they offered to pay for therapy but I was hestitant before because of the cost( I was being negative and they were present during my episode) but from the advice i received, I discussed with them and they agreed to help with initial sessions and, if the generic medication isn’t too expensive that as well, hopefully that can help me transition into being able to contribute and eventually pay for my own therapy and medication.
It has only just been discussed so the actual process still needs to start. So I guess the advice helped me suck up my pride or something to that effect and take and few steps towards a solution and accept the offer they put forth before
Hey man that’s awesome. Glad to put some positive energy behind you, im rooting for ya.
I just recently worked up the courage to try again working on some other issues that I have been dealing with most my life.
The hardest part for me is taking that first step - accepting hope. I’m subconsciously terrified that I will try to improve something and fail, and be disappointed in myself (again).
Sounds like you are building momentum. Just remember there will be bumps on the way. Don’t let the setbacks derail your efforts. Push through them and keep that momentum.
Also FYI I said Medicare earlier, I meant Medicaid. Assuming you are low or no income in America you probably are eligible for medicaid.
You’ve made a small but significant change. I salute your incredible courage in taking that step. Also, someone IRL believes you are worth helping. That is wonderful validation, worth far more than internet stangers, as much as we are rooting for you.
Retired college professor here. I can’t address everything you’ve written, although my heart goes out to you.
I did want to point out that you say you’ve worked with college mental health counsellors and found little help.
Please know that college counsellors are not set up to address long-term, deep issues. They are very effective working with exam anxiety, roommate spats, grief and coming-of-age emotions. However, as powerful as many of these may feel to the people experiencing them, they are often fairly short-term issues when addressed well and quickly.
In other words, I’m suggesting that you see your experiences with college counsellors as being like a visit to a corner convenience store. You can get a soda, chips, maybe a hot dog. A good place for such items fast, a good stop-gap for you.
But for more substantial fare that will last you a while and keep you healthy, you’ll want to visit a large supermarket with more options. A long-term therapy commitment is designed for ongoing health and nourishment, and can offer you deeper resources.
Thank you, that strangely does provide a small comfort in the knowledge of how I was being assessed and to the level of how I was given support.
It answers the question of the styles used to attempt to help and the restriction they were probably under to provide such help while also providing some reasoning toward my frustration as I was looking for a “higher end product” in a “convienence store”
I’m so glad it’s a useful (if small) key to your questions.
That you are able to frame your concerns, as large and looming as they are, so eloquently, speaks well for your ability to tackle the concerns. Sometimes, it’s a matter of taking what resources you’ve got and setting them up in a different order. “To a hammer, everything looks like a nail.” A therapist can help you rummage around in the toolbox deeper. (I know—me and my metaphors.)
Also, as others may be able to attest from first-hand knowledge, you may need to shop bit for the right fit in a therapist and an approach. Try one approach, and ask your therapist for feedback on your sense of whether the approach is your most effective one for you. A good therapist will not be insulted if, after a decent effort, you ask for a referral to someone else.
From personal experience, I recommend directly helping someone other than yourself. I know there’s a lot of concerning things inward, but you get so much reward from helping someone other than yourself that it can actually help you. I recommend food shelters, community resource centers, sometimes elderly living homes need volunteers just to spend time with the elderly. Become a helpful part of your community. I know it seems impossible, “how could I help someone else when I’m so fucked up and can’t get out of bed?”. Just do it anyway. Make yourself available and the rest will follow. The world needs you so badly.
