A few years ago my older brother told me that at our Thanksgiving and Christmas family dinners he fills a powerade bottle with red wine. For years I never noticed. I remembered thinking “good for him, avoiding all the soda and bringing his own healthy drink” lol. I was still scared to try it myself, but it went fine, and the last time I used a pomegranate juice bottle instead. I love red wine, and with big family dinners with 40+ people of all ages and hours long, it REALLY helps me enjoy myself. Plus, I can take a sip during the prayer and that’s cathartic for some reason.

But there are problems… Wine has a pretty strong smell and strongly discolors your tongue and teeth. I do NOT want to get caught and end up killing my grandma with shock. Also, I’d love having enough to share with my cousins who’ve left the church, so something stronger would be nice.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot this holiday season and here’s some things I’d like to achieve:

• Super covert. Where even my smart aunt wouldn’t think twice.
• A shareable amount. Maybe not where we could all get buzzed, but a few sips.
• Variety - I love making different cocktails, and like showing them to my Exmo family. So I don’t want to be tied to purple forever.

Some ideas I’ve had:

• A thermos or opaque water bottle and just hope it’s not suspicious.
• Invent some two chambered bottle that only pours alcohol if a button is pressed
• Find some clear cocktails and put them in clear water bottles
• Maybe a hidden and silent flask that we can just pour liquor into our drinks
• Color the inside of a bottle to look like it’s full of the original beverage.
• Just refill emptied soda cans. Or re-bottle some root beer bottles (I have a bottle cap press…)
• Refill a kombucha bottle. This might work great because it can be whatever color I want since it’s not recognizable, and since it’s fermented tea it might ward off the TBMs

Also, I need a phrase I can say to ward off cousins who might ask for a sip, “that’s not church-approved eggnog” for example 😂

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Edit: Thanks everyone for being concerned about alcoholism! It occurs to me that I should have specified that I’m not a heavy drinker… Even small amounts of alcohol wreck my sleep so I very literally only drink a couple times a month - at most. Always on a Friday night so I have maximum time to recover before work on Monday (I’m an absolute baby…) And no I’m not getting drunk on those Fridays. Just 1-3 drinks. Usually me experimenting with some new cocktail or wine since I know so little about them, but wish I did. I was drinking more often when alcohol was super new to me, but it just doesn’t agree with me very much. I swear on my Seminary Graduation Degree 😉 With that being said, I really enjoy drinking in social situations and the holidays feel perfect for that. Although… while I would never consider myself an alcoholic, pretty much all of my Mormon family would… 😁

This post is meant to ask for help with me challenging my family norms. Mormons in general, and especially my family, have a DEEP-rooted expectation of everyone pretending to still be Mormon when they visit. It was a huge fight a couple years ago for me not going to church with my parents when I visit (“it’s such a small thing, can’t you do it for me?” - it may be small, but this is a never-give-a-mouse-a-cookie situation). My parents freaked out at me this year (literal screaming and crying) because I wouldn’t take out my earrings for the Christmas dinner (boys aren’t supposed to have earrings according to Mormons). They asked me to wear long sleeves to cover my tattoo when I visit too. They also expect us exmo kids to abstain from coffee while visiting. I have to admit, I also don’t drink coffee (or any caffeine) regularly, but when I’m home I make an effort to have some every day 😈 I literally drink decaf and pretend I need it lol. And at our family reunions, I’d been living with my girlfriend (now wife) for 3 years and every single one of my aunts asked me where she was sleeping tonight and every one of them was shocked that she’d be sleeping in my tent. “Don’t you think that sets a bad example for your younger cousins?” - “Umm no. I think pretending to be someone you’re not is probably setting a bad example though.” (Although maybe in their eyes, they were right because the next family reunion two more of my cousins slept in the same tent as their non-married partners. I’m really happy about that though!)

So this post is just me wanting to be rebellious. Maybe that’s childish and silly, but it’s cathartic to me and exciting. Maybe some day they’ll chill enough for some of us who’ve left the church to have a holiday drink, but it doesn’t seem very likely right now.