I have been going through very intense workplace stress this year. Fuck up workplace relationships, threatened to fire me for having mental breakdown at work, yadda yadda yadda.

I have been in therapy, practicing DBT skills most days on the bus ride to work (other than TIPP bc idk how to do that on the bus), and taking medications.

I had a really bad spiral the past few days. I ended up inconsolable when I got home the other night (I live alone so no one heard me). I started trying to text/communicate with a billion different people, some of which we’re my coworkers. I started texting them something akin to saying they will have a great time in the future and I appreciate them and goodbyes and whatnot. I said it because I was contemplating/really really just wanted to no call no show never come back into work (I work a professional job, not at like a Wendy’s where it’s expected).

I knew in the back of my mind that they could also view this as me saying goodbye before killing myself. I never ever said that outright but they panicked when I spoke vaguely and discussed with each other whether or not to Baker act me the next morning.

I have done this another time around the summer of last year. I feel embarrassed. I feel terrible. I feel like such a shitty person. But I was just in so much pain that I didn’t know what to do. I was sobbing nonstop for hours and hours when I decided to do that.

I know I am supposed to use my skills. It is hard to do when I am on that level. It’s hard for me to practice TIPP because it requires setup and is unpleasant and not accessible everywhere.

Am I a bad person? What do I do? They distance themselves from me because I am like this. And I knew it my heart it could be construed that way even though I was one of the most distressed I have gotten.

But I just don’t know what to do with the pain. The DBT skills can help temporarily with intense concentration from me, but the moment my attention wavers from the distraction/distress techniques, the pain comes back. It’s exhausting to focus that hard and I can’t do it 24/7.

I am just so tired. It almost feels like physical pain all the time. And I always just feel so alone.

Thanks, guys.

  • dingusOPEnglish
    2·
    2 days ago

    Well I reached out in a very harmful and manipulative way is the thing. Only a few EAP sessions are covered by my job. My insurance is shit so I pay the full price of therapy as if I had no insurance because it’s not covered. But I have still been in therapy anyway because I know it’s necessary and I am paid well enough to afford it.

    Occasionally I feel like I need to talk to someone in the middle of the night, but that’s not really a thing. Suicide hotlines are for suicidal people. I was in extreme distress but not suicidal. I’ve never called one before. I have heard of warm lines like just recently after that event. Usually I am not to that level of extreme as the other day though, just high distress not extreme extreme distress lol. But idk that any of these are suitable idk what to do man.