Some background:
I am a 35 year old male with a 2 year old son. I was diagnosed this year after a lifetime of struggling and becoming a parent exacerbating my traits.
Today I had an appointment with my son’s speech therapist, because he’s still not talking more than a couple words. The appointment is unstructured play and interaction including mimicking him, waiting for his cues, etc. The problem is, I can’t pick up on communication cues or read what to do next. I can’t communicate with him like a normal parent and I feel like I’m holding him back.
The therapist had to guide me as much as she had to guide him. This was my first time meeting her, and it was all overwhelming and overstimulating. I was fighting back tears half the time and I couldn’t keep and make eye contact as well as my 2 year old. 😭
I feel like my kid is going to be stunted because of my issues. I’m newly divorced and I’m doing my best so my wife doesn’t take him from because “I care for him, but can’t care for him.”
I struggle without routines and children are chaos. I am excluded by other parents because I’m weird or different, and they keep their kids away from us when playing at the park. I want him to be able to socialize and have friends and his autistic monster father gets in the way.
Everything is always so overwhelming and I struggle to not have panic attacks. How am I supposed to help when he gets to school? I have trouble with numbers and can’t do math😭😭
I just feel like giving up. I don’t know what to do
First let me say how deeply I feel for you and feel this. We exist in a world that is not meant for us and I wish I had some words of wisdom for you but I do not. Instead know that you’re not alone. I know I struggle mightily from executive dysfunction and never made the transition from childhood to adulthood very well or smoothly. I do not have children of my own so I won’t be able to relate to you on that front but I can strongly relate to the difficulty of establishing routines. My employment history is a mess and so is, for the most part, my whole life. Yet somehow I can muddle through.
If you only take one thing away from my comment, please know that you’re not a monster and that you are likely misunderstood by ignorant people. If I could ask, beg, or plead with you to do one thing it would be: If you are able to, please seek out some mental health therapy. Untreated depression can exacerbate sensory issues and issues with organization and routine. Depression is more than just mood impairment but it is cognitive impairment as well. I am 46 and I was diagnosed three year years after you. Simply being diagnosed rocked to me very core. While it confirmed my suspicions, I wasn’t prepared to fully deal with it and face it. It ended my relationship with my fiancee.
I’m working on therapy currently, because I feel like I need to undo a lifetime of conditioning.
That is quite possibly the very best action you can take right now. I am being in earnest when I say I truly wish you the best.