A few years ago, I met a man online. I was 19 then, and he was 32. It was my first romantic experience and mostly my last. I don’t know how to explain that feeling… I woke up in the middle of the night several times to check his messages. We could talk about literally everything under the world. It was incredible. I thought he was the kindest and most gentle person I’d ever seen in my entire life. I didn’t even see his face, although he really wanted to show it to me, but for some reason I wanted to hold off on it, even though he had seen my photo. But I could imagine what he looked like based on how he described himself to me and I heard his voice, and I’m sure that even if he really were as unattractive as he considered himself, I would love him no matter what. He really gave the impression of a man who would accept me for who I was and would never leave me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt happier than I did then…

But then I ruined everything. I won’t tell you how you can irrevocably ruin a relationship with someone over the internet, but I did it. And since then, I’ve been completely broken and plunged even deeper into this relentless cycle of suffering and self-hatred. I still sometimes cry at night because of it. During this time, I tried to meet other people, but I never felt anything like this again. Maybe because there are no other men like him, or because my condition is so shitty…

I can’t stop thinking that if I could do it all over again, I would marry him, we would take care of his beautiful plants together, have five huge dogs, I would cook all his favorite food, I would be the best wife and mother in the world to his children, just like we dreamed of together, and so much more… I understand that it may be damn stupid to suffer because of a person I’ve never even met, but I don’t know how to get rid of it. Am I stupid or crazy? My life sucks so bad.